


Broken memories

by mcuwhore



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Loses His Memories, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Car Accidents, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Light Angst, M/M, Married Couple, Memory Loss, Minor Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Steve Rogers, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson Friendship, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers is a cinnamon roll, the vow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:21:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23725246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcuwhore/pseuds/mcuwhore
Summary: Steve and Bucky are the perfect example of a happy, married couple.But a car accident will soon change their lives.Or better, yes, just another "Bucky loses his memories" fic. They're never enough.The Vow Movie AU
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 29
Kudos: 123





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everybody! This is my first fic ever, and from now on you will have every week a little piece of this little thing that took me way to long to complete. But don't be afraid, everything is ready, I'll try to keep the updates as regular as possible!
> 
> Please note that this is based on the movie "The Vow" (2012) and some dialogue is directly copied from it.  
> Before starting, I wish to give a special thanks to Katie for helping me through all of it! English is not my first language, and she had been so kind and patient with me, proof-reading everything I've written! This wouldn't have been the same without you! Thank you!
> 
> Anyways, I would love to see your reaction to this, so kudos, comments and kindly-worded opionions are more than welcomed! Now... Enjoy!

“Oh, wow” Steve says as soon as they step out into the freezing air, holding Bucky close to his side, his partners hand in his coat pocket to keep it warm. 

“It’s always so beautiful, isn’t it?” Bucky replies, turning his head from the wide expanse of snow to his lover's face, curling his lips in a soft smile seeing how amazed Steve looks. It was only raining when they entered the theatre, nothing unusual for New York weather, but rain quickly froze to snow and the road is now covered in a soft white blanket.

They had different opinions on snow, but loved to reminisce with fond memories they shared of it when the snow did fall again. They used to play in the snow when they were children: Bucky, without a care in the world, would always do snow angels and try to get Steve to do the same, to join him by throwing snowballs at his back. Steve, on the other hand, would always be unsure of the icy stuff, afraid of getting a cold after a few minutes outside because of his stupidly weak immune system. But how could he say no to that little happy boy he loved so much? After all, Bucky would take care of him, not letting him stay outside for too long, always pulling his hat low on his head to protect his ears, and then getting him inside and making him a hot chocolate with mini marshmallows to quickly warm his little body.

They’ve always been lucky to have each other. They would always make each other's day brighter.

Bucky cuddles a little closer to Steve after being hit by a bitter wind and he immediately answers by tightening his grip on Bucky’s hand and lowering his eyes to Bucky’s. “We should hurry up and get to the car. I think a hot chocolate with mini marshmallows is waiting for us at home” he said. At his words, Bucky nods excitedly in agreement, smiles and starts pulling him through the fresh snow towards their car.

As soon as they reach the car, Bucky gets inside whilst watching Steve clean away the snow on the front window with his huge gloved hands, but he quickly joins him in the car and pulls the gloves off, taking hold of his partner’s hands and blowing hot air on them whilst chuckling lightly. 

“You’re an idiot, your hands are freezing!” Bucky fake-complains without pulling his hands away from Steve’s, but looking him straight in those deep-as-the-ocean blue eyes.

“They are, but do you wanna feel how freezing my lips are?”

“Mr Rogers, are you trying to flirt with me?” Bucky places a hand over his chest in fake astonishment but is soon interrupted by Steve’s frozen lips on his – that aren’t that warm either – and they both end up chuckling into the other’s mouth.

***

Steve shuffles through the radio stations, finding it hard to get a working signal due to the bad weather; he stops as soon as he hears a slow drum playing, curling his lips into a smile so small Bucky couldn’t have noticed, and starts humming lightly to the melody.

Bucky frowns a little and turns his gaze to the radio, trying to recognize the song.

_I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight  
I've never seen you shine so bright_

“Oh my god, Rogers no, please!” he loudly bursts out laughing as he recognizes the song and Steve starts to actually sing under his breath. “C’mon you hate this song!” Bucky continues without stopping laughing.

“I don’t! We danced to it at our wedding, don’t you remember?”

“Only because my ma is obsessed with this cheesy stuff, not because you like it!” At his words, Steve raises a hand and his eyebrows, knowing that Bucky had him cornered there.

_I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance  
They're looking for a little romance, given half a chance  
And I have never seen that dress you're wearing  
Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes  
I have been blind_

As the song continues to play, Steve takes his chance and raises his voice to sing properly, his eyes focused on Bucky’s, eyebrows creased at the centre to convey the cheesy words he’s singing.

_The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek._

By the time Steve is singing loudly, trying to hit all the high notes in off-key high-pitched noises, Bucky is laughing so loudly as well that he can’t help but stop the car to calm down and get their breaths together.

They’re still laughing but now lighter, more like a chuckle, when Bucky places his hand on Steve’s thigh and unfastens his seatbelt to try and get a little closer to him. “You’re a punk, and I love you so fuckin’ much” Bucky whispers close to his ear, placing a little kiss on his neck that causes a little moan to slip from Steve’s throat; he reacts by laying his head on the headrest, relaxing a bit whilst his husband places light kisses on the length of his neck.

Suddenly, a hard jolt comes out of nowhere from behind, forcing Steve to bend harshly on the steering wheel and hit his head against it hard, even with the strong seatbelt that squeezed him uncomfortably across his chest, pushing all the air out his lungs. His sight quickly began to darken at the edges, the world rapidly spinning around him as he manages to whisper a quiet “Buck…?” before zoning out completely, his head still on the steering wheel.

He never noticed that Bucky’s seat belt wasn’t there to do its job, and now, he was totally unconscious and laying on his belly on the hood of the car, completely thrown out the front window, millions of glass shards around him and a deep cut on his forehead that wouldn’t stop bleeding. 

***

The next thing Steve knows, he’s in a white and blue room, a loud banging in his head and too many needles crammed into his skin. He turns his head, looking for clarity, to understand what happened and he catches sight of a nurse walking towards him quickly, noticing that he’s finally awake.

“Good morning, Mr Rogers! Or should I say, good evening” the nurse approaches him with a soft smile and starts checking the monitors around him and his IV.

“I’m in the hospital.” Steve says groggily, his throat harsh for some reason.

“Yes you are, Sherlock. You had a pretty bad accident two nights ago. Luckily for you, there was no major damage. You had a minor concussion, but now everything is fine, you  
just have to deal with that sling on your arm for a couple of days and--” The nurse starts rambling stuff that Steve can’t quite understand, one name banging in his head louder than everything else.

“W-Where is Bucky?” he asked hurriedly. “Excuse me?” The nurse turns and looks at him a little confused, but immediately notices the urgency in Steve’s question, Steve looking at her like his life depends on her answer.

“My… my husband. Buck—I mean, James Barnes. He was in the car with me.” Steve tries as hard as he can to stay focused, the anaesthetic still playing tricks on him, he fights hard to keep calm; not an easy thing to do when your heart is racing so fast and every bone in your body is screaming at you that something is really wrong.

“Oh… yes, he’s here too. He’s just a few rooms awa-” Steve immediately sits up, as far as he can given the position he’s in, winces and grabs the nurse’s hand, a little tighter than he intended to. “I need to see him.” A statement, not a question.

The nurse tries her best to calm him, squeezing his hand back and putting her other hand on his arm. “I’m really sorry, Mr Rogers, but I’m afraid you can’t see him. He… he got it pretty bad. He’s in a medically induced coma at the moment.”

Steve’s eyes widen at her words, now fully awake and alert to what she has to say. “H-how is he…?” The nurse takes his hand in hers and sits down next to him, her eyes on her lap.

“I’m going to be real with you, Steve… can I call you Steve?” Steve barely nods, not daring to tear his eyes away from her face. “Honestly, he’s lucky to be alive. He got here with a bad concussion, went straight to surgery and was there the whole night. Now he’s asleep, and we don’t know the true outcome of the operation yet, but he’s stable and it went well. We just need to wait, Steve.” She squeezes his hand and finally looks into his eyes, a soft and honest smile on her lips.

Steve can’t find the right words, can’t even find his voice for what it’s worth and just keeps staring at her, his eyebrows pinched in the centre in a hurt expression, and tries, without success, to swallow the biggest knot he has ever felt in his throat. He needs to see him, he needs to see his Bucky, to grab his hand and kiss his forehead and whisper that he’s there and that everything is going to be alright, and that he will never leave him. That he’s strong and he’s going to overcome this, that he loves him and always will. But he can’t, he knows he can’t. He sees it in the nurse’s eyes, he can’t leave his bed, not yet, and he has to leave Bucky alone, in an empty room, with his hands cold and no one there to keep him warm. Steve starts to panic, his vision blurring at the edges and sounds muffling together. The nurse gets up from his bed to get him some more anaesthetic, and he feels the emptiness when she leaves, making him drown in the white sheets. He’s drowning and he can’t move, he’s sinking lower and lower, looking up towards the sky, towards safety. All he sees is Bucky’s face, smiling at him and offering him his hand, but Steve can’t reach it.

He falls asleep again in that hospital bed, but his nightmares never leave him alone. He just keeps drowning.

***

It had been four days since the accident when Steve finally got permission to go and see Bucky. He’s still sleeping, but as soon as Steve enters the room, he runs to the bed and his knees give out. He kneels beside Bucky’s bed, grasping his hand like his life depends on it. His hand is cold, as he expected it to be, and he tries as hard as he can to keep the tears from falling. He has to be strong for him.

“Hey, Buck, baby, I’m here.” He places a kiss on his knuckles, smiling lightly, hoping Bucky could hear him, from wherever his mind was in that moment. Maybe Bucky can take some comfort from his voice if he’s positive enough.

“I missed you so much, but I’m here now and I won’t leave your side until you wake up and tell me to get out of here and take a shower because I stink too much.” He chuckles lightly, raising a hand to move a strand of hair from his forehead and tuck it gently behind his ear, revealing a scar that runs over his forehead, from the centre down to his temple. He brushes his fingertips over the scar, a feather light touch, afraid that he could hurt him. 

“You look beautiful, I promise. You’re still the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. Please, Buck, come back to me. I need you. I miss you so much.” He can’t help but lower his head to their intertwined hands and let a little tear fall down his cheek.

“I brought you something, baby.” He sniffs a little to get his stuff together and take his hand in his kindly. He slips a hand in his pocket and takes out a ring. He very, very gently slips the ring onto Bucky’s ring finger and smiles softly at the sight. “They had to take it off you during the operation. But you never have to worry. I’ve always got your back, I won’t let you leave me, Buck. I fought too hard to have you.” He smiles sadly and kisses the ring on his finger, thinking back to their times together in the past.

He spends the days like that, talking to him, holding his hand and kissing his forehead, waiting for him to come back.

***

“Don’t crowd him, he’s gonna be a little groggy so… let’s just give him some space” the nurse that was with Steve when he woke up is now standing beside him, at the end of Bucky’s bed. They’re both watching him slowly wake up from his long sleep. Steve is holding himself steady to the bar at the end of the bed, knuckles white from how hard he’s clenching it.

“Hey…” Steve says low, a soft smile in his voice. “It’s so good to see you.” He tilts his head slightly to one side looking at him, while Bucky flits his gaze from the nurse to Steve. He stops a moment to look him properly in the face, eyebrows pinched in a confused expression.

“Wh- wh..?” Bucky can’t seem to form any word properly, and looks at the nurse with a questioning look in his eyes.

“James, it's okay-” starts the nurse “you’re in the hospital. You were in a car accident. You hit your head but you’re okay, we just kept you asleep for a little while.” He still looks confused, looking at his surroundings to try to figure things out. Steve then speaks again, looking at him with a sad smile and a little pain in his eyes at the sight of his beloved so small and confused. “How are you feeling?”

“My-my head hurts.” Bucky mutters, definitely sounding groggy. “Yeah, that’s perfectly normal. I’ll go get you something for that” the nurse says as she turns to leave. Bucky speaks again before she does, looking Steve in the eyes.

“Was anyone else hurt, doctor?” he said and in that moment Steve felt the lump in his throat fall to his stomach. He tries to stay calm and reasonable. He gives a little look at the nurse before turning back to Bucky. “You know who I am, don’t you?”

“Of course… you’re my doctor.” 

Steve’s world starts to shatter all around him. And he’s falling again. He’s falling but now there’s no Bucky offering his hand to bring him to safety, there’s no Bucky leaning towards him to keep him steady. Bucky turned his back to him and he’s gone as the rest of the world is.

Steve tries to remain calm, to ignore the voice in his head screaming and his heart pounding so hard that he can’t even hear himself breathing. He doesn’t really know if he’s breathing at all. He doesn’t even care. He only cares about Bucky, who apparently, doesn’t recognize him. Steve walks slowly to the chair beside Bucky’s bed, he feels like he’s floating, but tries to ignore it. Bucky follows him with his gaze that now seems scared. Steve tries to ignore that too. The hardest thing to ignore is when Bucky tears his hand away from Steve’s when Steve tries to hold it. He squeezes his eyes hard shut before opening them again and looking him straight in the eyes.

“Bucky… I’m your husband.” He whispers, not even sure that he could hear him or not from how low his tone was.

But Bucky heard him low and clear. And his expression was loud and clear too. He raises his hand and catches sight of the ring on his finger, and his face turns to something horrible to Steve’s eyes. He looks disgusted. He looks him in the eyes again.

“Who the hell is Bucky?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this was the first chapter! I know it's not too long, but this will be the style, short updates kinda often! 
> 
> If you feel like talking about it or whatever you feel like, you can find me on twitter as well (@mcuwhore)!  
> See you (very) soon with the next chapter! <3


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first of the throwbacks that can help us getting to know our babies a little better. I'd like to note that I actually love Nat, and I felt sorry while writing her like this, but for the sake of the story, she is what she is... Nothing personal, let's just pretend this is not the Nat we've known from the movies but... well, I will let you judge her!
> 
> Also note: there's a part with text messages, the writings in **bold** are the texts, the parts in _italics_ are what Steve's thinking. Hope it's understandable!! 
> 
> Quick special thanks to Katie, this fic wouldn't have been the same without her.
> 
> As always, enjoy!

\- 4 years earlier - 

Steve is sitting at his usual cafeteria table, a hot mug of dark coffee beside the pile of papers he has to grade as soon as possible, and a frown on his face while reading the many wrong answers to the test he so thoroughly prepared. He feels the frustration coming quickly, hating himself because it felt like he couldn’t teach his students anything. How could they not get it? It was so easy, he spoke about Da Vinci so much in almost every lesson and they still got the question about the missing piece of “The Last Supper” wrong. He tried to make the facts entertaining, putting himself in his student’s shoes and trying to help them memorize what was needed to pass his class. And it still wasn’t enough. What was he doing wrong? 

He reaches his hands into his hair, scratching his scalp, trying to get his head straight and calm down enough to continue working, when all of a sudden, a voice, a very familiar voice rang near him and he flicked his eyes up quickly.

“Steve…? Is that really you?”

James Buchanan Barnes was standing right in front of him, a shy smile on his lips as if asking for permission to talk to him. He looked so precious that Steve felt like all the air was punched right out of his lungs. Maybe he was just dreaming, maybe this was no-one asking for the spare chair and he was just imagining the love of his childhood standing right in front of him. It wouldn’t be that strange after all, he did dream of him every night for the last, what? 13 years now? They were just kids when Bucky left Brooklyn, moving to Russia and following his mother after his father died. At the time Steve understood the situation, he really did - Bucky’s mother only moved to the States because of her husband and when he left them, she had nothing left to do here and went back to her motherland with her teenage son and a little daughter, trying to find little comfort in her family. 

But what they left here was Bucky’s best friend, a poor little punk who only had eyes for his best friend and who felt so lost when he was suddenly left alone. He had a hard time dealing with everything while Bucky was that far away. He started focusing on his studies and his body to keep his mind as busy and as far from Bucky as possible. That’s how he became one of the youngest teachers in the High School he’s working at, and that’s also how that little skinny body became a hunk of muscles everyone envied. He built himself a life, the best one he could without the brunette boy to root for him every time he’d needed.

Steve only got to see him in his dreams, dreaming of cold nights and warm hands, of bad jokes and fun games. He fell asleep trying not to forget Bucky’s face in all those years. He imagined living precious moments - ones that would become big parts of his teenage life - with him by his side, and tried not to think too hard about how that wasn’t real and that he would never have those memories back, that there was no Bucky to complete them.

In that moment, Bucky cleared his throat, and that’s when Steve realized he must have spaced out for a while. Great, what a good start at gaining your former best friend’s friendship again. He quickly got up and stretched out to shake his hand, a small smile appearing on his lips as he got to see the man in front of him properly.

“Bucky! How nice to see you! What are you doing in Brooklyn?” Steve exclaimed, maybe a little louder than he intended.

“Oh my god, it’s been years since I last heard that nickname!” Bucky answered, laughing whilst taking his hand in a firm squeeze. “If it was anyone else calling me that I definitely wouldn’t answer!”

He had lost most of his accent, Steve realized not without a little disappointment. But he should have expected it, all those years at the other end of the world surely changes a person.

“Oh, you go by James now? Should I call you James?”

“No no, well yeah, I do go by James, but please… you can call me Bucky, reminds me of the old times…” Bucky lowered his gaze without letting go of his hand. After a moment, he glanced back up at Steve and smiled so honestly like he just couldn’t hold it back.

At that moment, someone behind Bucky cleared her throat and moved closer to Bucky, putting a hand on the small of his back. Bucky immediately took his hand out of the way-too-long handshake and straightened his back, turning to the smaller woman. She whispered something in Russian to him, something of which Steve only understood the word “James”. She was a beautiful redhead, shoulder-length straight hair and a sharp look on her face as she eyed Steve sideways. Steve found himself moving his gaze from her to Bucky, feeling a little confused, definitely curious, but most importantly, hopeful.

“Steve, this is my girlfriend, Natalia Romanova, but you can call her Natasha. She came here all the way from Russia with me.” Bucky offered with a smile.

All the hope that Steve was tightly holding onto vanished in an instance. Of course he had a girlfriend, how could a man that beautiful not? What did he expect? Bucky oozed charm and everyone admired it, it was obvious that a man like him was taken.

Steve tried to ignore the spurt of sadness that was threatening to come, and stretched out again to present himself properly to the young woman.

“Very nice to meet you, Natasha, my name’s Steve, Steve Rogers. I’m an old friend of Buc—of James. We-we grew up together here in Brooklyn.” 

“Nice to meet you, Steve.” Her accent was so strong, Steve thought. She looked cold and detached, but maybe that was just an impression due to the different cultures they grew up in. Steve soon noticed her gaze moving to the papers on the table, and then turning back to him with a raised eyebrow and a questioning look. God, she looked scary, like a mother ready to scold her child. Steve felt small under her strict stare.

“Uhm, these are my students’ papers. I like to mark them whilst hanging out in public spaces, especially this café” Steve chuckles softly, his gaze low on the sheets that he was putting in order. Honestly, he just wanted to keep his hands busy to avoid doing anything stupid. 

“This way I can focus on my work more, being out and having people around makes me waste less time than if I was at home with distractions and yeah-”.

“You’re a teacher?” Bucky interrupted him, raising both of his eyebrows, looking impressed.

“Oh, yeah. I teach in a high school in Queens. Art, if you were wondering.” He quickly turns his gaze to Bucky’s face only to look away again a moment later, feeling his cheeks grow warmer. Speaking of his work (and passion) always made him a little shy. 

“I had no doubt.” Bucky says softly, barely louder than a whisper.

“We are here because James got an important job in an international company. It’s called ‘Rand enterprises’, but I guess you’ve never heard of it.” Natasha soon interrupts the little conversation the two were having, sensing “something” in the air whenever the two interacted with each other. Something weird and strong, and she definitely didn’t like it.

“Oh my God, you work for Rand? Really? That’s such an important place, I’m proud of you, Buck!” Steve totally ignores Natasha’s scorn and pats Bucky on the back with a large smile, causing the brunette to smile shyly back at him, flattered by his enthusiasm.

“Why don’t you guys have a seat? We have so much to talk about!” Steve tries with all the kindness he could give while moving the papers out of the way and reaching for an empty chair nearby.

“No, _спасибо_ , we were just about to leave, James has a lot of work to do and we’re dealing with a move.” Natasha answers immediately, pulling her boyfriend by the arm to get him a little further away from Steve.

“Oh, okay… I’m sorry then. Didn’t mean to hold you back.” Steve replies, his smile weakening, only there still out of politeness.

But Bucky couldn’t let it end like this, no matter how trying his girlfriend could get when something didn’t feel right to her. He quickly pulls his wallet from his pocket and hands Steve a business card. “Here’s my number. We definitely have a lot to talk about. Call me and we can arrange a catch up, and bring your girlfriend if you want!” At that point, Natasha was pulling him to the exit, waving her free hand in Steve’s general direction. “Goodbye, _американец_!” Bucky had nothing left to do but wave too, not once taking his eyes off of Steve, an honest smile taking over his face.

As soon as the couple leaves the café, Steve slumps down in his chair, looking at the card in his hand.

_James B. Barnes  
PhD in Bio-Mechanic Technologies  
Lomonosov University – Moscow  
Phone: 325 – 57038_

“I don’t have a girlfriend to bring with me, James.” Steve whispers to himself, a mix of emotion dancing in his stomach. He just got his best boy back, he never expected him to come back to New York, but here he was. And still, something was so wrong. He was so different, he’d changed so much, and he had his own life. But he was still him, his smile, his eyes, and his voice, even without that cheeky accent that he used to own so proudly. Will he ever have his boy back?

***

It’s no less than a week later when Steve finally finds the guts to text Bucky. He’d been so nervous about what to say, that he spent the whole week typing and deleting texts like a teenager with a crush. Should he be funny? Or would a professional approach be better? Should he include emoji’s? No, Steve, he’s not a 15 year old, he’s not into that stuff. 

Eventually he ended up sending a plain text, the plainest he could think of:

**“Hey, it’s Steve. Steve Rogers. Do you still want to meet up sometime?”**

It was around 2 pm when he sent the text and he spent the whole afternoon with his phone in his hand, even during his classes, no matter how unprofessional he looked. They were young teenagers he figured, they barely even cared about the lesson.

A reply finally arrived around 7 pm.

From: Bucky  
 **“Hey Steve, sorry I never replied sooner, I was at work! I would love to meet up, is Saturday evening good? There’s a football match on, we could watch it together, no women involved! ;) :) :)”**

_A wink emoji and two smileys. Dang it, I should have used one too. And of course he was working, he’s not a time waster like you, Mr Rogers, what were you thinking._

To: Bucky  
 **“Saturday is perfect for me! Here, this is the address of a pub that’s showing the game”**

_Are two smiley emoji’s good or three? Okay, a beer one and two, no, one smile is good. Send._

From: Bucky  
 **“Awesome, can’t wait!”**

_Yeah, I can’t wait. It’s only Wednesday. How am I supposed to wait three whole days in this state?_

***

Soon enough, Saturday came around and Steve was 40 minutes early to the bar, obviously. He was sitting in a small booth at the corner of the pub he chose for them to meet at, he ordered a portion of fries that he wolfed down in a couple of minutes because of his anxiety. Was he dressed properly? Did he smell good? Did his breath smell bad? 

At 6:50pm, 10 minutes before the time they agreed to meet at, he ordered another portion of fries and two of the best beers the pub served. It was only 8 minutes later (not that Steve was checking the time every 30 seconds, he would swear on his own life he wasn’t) when both the order and Bucky arrived simultaneously.

Bucky greets Steve with a huge smile, to which he answers by standing up and shaking his hand with a relieved smile at the sight of him. At least he didn’t ditch him. The thought might have occurred in Steve’s mind, once or twice, or maybe a billion times, but it didn’t matter now.

“Hey man, so nice to see you again. How are you?” Bucky starts.

“Not bad, thanks. I took a liberty and ordered you a beer, but trust me: it’s the best in the area!” Steve replies, raising the glass towards the bar where the bartender was standing, smiling at him knowingly. Bucky, feeling curious of Steve’s behaviour, turns to see who Steve was looking at, and quirks an eyebrow.

“So you're a regular here?” 

“Oh… yeah, kind of, I guess… I like marking homework here like the café. This pub basically works the same: I live alone not far from here and every time I’ve work to do and no time to cook, well, Jim there always has my back.” Steve chuckles softly while taking a sip of his drink. 

He never notices the loving gaze Bucky had, completely mesmerized by every word that came out of his mouth.

“So… how long have you been back in town?” Steve interrupts Bucky’s train of thought - which may or may not have been on Steve’s lips.

“Uh, not that long actually, just a couple weeks, maybe less. It’s taking some time to get back into the swing with everything here, but it’s also quite comforting. Nat doesn’t really get it, she’s always telling me off for leaving the house for a walk in Central Park, but God, I’ve missed this place so much.” Bucky adds lightly, taking a sip of the beer that was sitting in front of him. “Oh, wow, this is good!”

“Told ya,” Steve laughs back at him “is Natasha feeling good here?”

“Well, yeah, it seems so, but she’ll definitely need more time than me to get used to the New York lifestyle.” He shrugs.

The two keep chatting lightly, topics coming easily to them, memories flooding back and making them laugh in a nostalgic way. Among other things, Steve starts asking about Bucky’s new job, and that’s when a fry decides to go down the wrong way. Bucky coughs a couple times before glancing back towards Steve – who was looking at him with a concerned expression.

“I’m— well, the job is great. It’s everything I’ve studied for years and it’s really well paid so there’s nothing I can complain about.”

Bucky isn’t looking at Steve when a warm hand covers one of his, and he lifts his gaze to be met with a dead-serious face.

“You’re lying, Buck. I can see it. You probably know I can. And you should also know that you can be honest with me.” Steve really could see it. Bucky was moving in his seat whilst speaking, his eyes flitting around like he couldn’t focus on one thing, and his lips twitched every time he said something particularly untrue.

Bucky knew he couldn’t really lie to Steve, he was good at lying with almost anyone else, but Steve… he just couldn’t bring himself to lie to him so shamelessly. So he just takes Steve’s hand in his and squeezes it hard, giving a quick glance backwards to check that no one he knew was nearby.

“Steve, I’m gonna tell you something. But this has to stay between us, promise?”

“Scout’s honour!” Steve answers right away, bringing three fingers to his mouth in an oath sign. Bucky can’t help but laugh sweetly at it. This man was bringing back his inner child, he could feel it.

“Okay, the truth is: I hate all of this. It’s tiring, stressful and boring. I used to dance when I was in Moscow, before starting University. I used to attend a small class with others guys my age, and we danced for hours with no one checking on us. It wasn’t a real course, just a few hours of free-style dancing, and, God, Steve, I loved doing it so much. I became pretty good at it, the other guys noticed too and they started asking me to teach them, how could I say no? So, just like that, I started teaching people I could barely talk to how to dance. The language barrier had been a problem at first, but dancing got rid of all those problems. When we were dancing, we understood each other, through the movements and music, words weren’t needed. Eventually, they helped me learn Russian and I helped them with what I knew. It was the best thing I had when I was there… and now I miss it more than ever.” Bucky’s voice was breaking by the end and Steve just couldn’t stand seeing him like that.

“You should start your own class, Bucky! Here, in your hometown. You would be great at it.” Steve chimes in, voice full of hope.

“What? I – I can’t possibly do that, Steve! What am I supposed to do? Give up my job to do something so reckless?” Bucky raises his voice at the seemingly impossible to achieve hope that just came out of Steve’s mouth. How can he be such an idiot? That wasn’t doable, he wasn’t a child anymore, and he had a real job and responsibilities to attend to.

“Why not? You can start doing it in your free time. After work or on the weekends. Lots of people could join, it’s a good time for both students and workers.” Steve insists, still so full of hope. But why? What does he want? Why does he care? He wouldn’t gain anything from something like that.

“I… yeah, I guess so…? But I don’t even have a place to do that and getting a license and everything is time consuming, plus time is a bit of a problem at the moment, with the move and all…”

“I can help you with that. I teach in a school, remember? The school has a gym. I could ask a couple favours, I’m on good terms with the principal and I think it could definitely be doable. Let me take care of that, okay? When would you like to start?” Steve smiles wide, excitement exploding from his face.

“Oh my god, Steve, I could never ask you to do something like that, that’s insane!” Bucky was starting to relent, and Steve could clearly see it.

“You’re not asking, Bucky! I’m offering!” that annoying smile on Steve’s face and Bucky just ends up laughing at him.

“Okay, okay, I’ll let you try! Uhm, let’s make it for two Saturdays from now?” Bucky asks with a crooked nod of his head, completely unsure about it, but kind of excited by the whole idea.

“Deal!” Steve offers a hand to seal the deal in a way-too-official manner. Bucky can’t help but shake his head lightly and take his hand.

“Deal.” He shoots back.

They spend the rest of the night talking and drinking, it almost felt too good to be true to finally have each other back.

For Bucky, being away from Natasha and work stuff for a while was like a breath of fresh air, and it was crazy how easy it was to be around Steve. They only spent a couple of hours together, but everything felt as normal as it ever did, as if they didn't spend 10 years apart. When Bucky looks at Steve suddenly nothing else matters anymore. He hadn't felt this at ease since… he couldn't remember honestly. Probably since he left the States, since he left Steve. He really needed to sort out his priorities, he shouldn’t feel so restricted in almost every part of his life like he suddenly realised he did. And Steve? Steve seems too good to be true. How did he ever cope for so long without Steve in his life? He really didn’t want that to happen again, and maybe he didn't have to think about such a life anymore.

Steve on the other hand, couldn’t do anything but listen fondly and reply to those cute smiles with dorky smiles of his own. How could he not smile at that face? He felt like he was floating, talking about whatever came to mind, old memories and new ones they could make together. The world could’ve ended in that moment and he wouldn't care less. Not if Bucky just kept smiling at him like that.

If there was anything that could’ve ruined that moment for them, neither of them wanted to know what it was, both too happy just to be back with the other.

In their minds, nothing could ruin it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm here we are with chapter 2! Don't worry, chapter 3 is coming before you'll know it! Maybe you'll see a little of how Steve's dealing in the present day, who knows. In the meantime... I'd love to hear a little from you readers! If you'd like to write a comment here or hit me up on my twitter account (@mcuwhore), I'm always ready for a chat there!
> 
> Thank you all, anyways! Kudos to you <3


	3. Chapter Three

Steve had been hanging around the hospital for days now. He wasn’t allowed to see Bucky after the panic he caused last time he tried to reach out, but he still wanted to know everything he could for as long as he could. Would the amnesia be temporary? How much did Bucky forget? How the hell did he let all of this happen at all? 

He couldn’t avoid blaming himself for all of it. It was him who insisted on going out that freezing night. It was him behind the steering wheel. It was him getting distracted by his lover’s lips. God, he missed those lips.

_No!_ No, he’s got to stop thinking about him that way, Bucky is still in a hospital bed and he has no idea who Steve is. No idea at all.

Steve was crouching on a chair in the waiting area, not really fully sitting or standing, but what was he waiting for? For Bucky to miraculously recover and come running into his arms? For the nurse to come and say he had to leave once and for all because he hasn’t showered in days and the other patients are complaining?

He can’t leave and go home. He just can’t. Home is where Bucky is, their home is there, waiting for _both_ of them. Captain, their cat, is at Sam’s house so that’s not an issue, and he took some time off work, so he has no responsibilities to go home to, his only responsibility is and was Bucky. And he failed him. He still is.

But something about all of this didn’t make sense. The doctors who talked to him said that Bucky remembered a lot of stuff. He remembers his family, he remembers leaving for Russia and he even remembers moving back to New York. But then nothing, he said. Nothing from his life back in the States, like a whole chapter of his life was erased: the one that included his life with Steve. 

But it still doesn’t make sense. They were friends before. They used to see each other every day when they were children. And they said he can remember his childhood, so why can’t he remember him then? What changed so much?

He was pulling at his hair absentmindedly, when a small warm hand landed on his shoulder. He pulls his hands away from his face and glances up to be met with a loving, sad smile and red-rimmed eyes: Winifred Barnes.

Steve knew she was coming, he was the one to make the call and fill her in on what happened, so she must’ve just arrived in town from Russia. Of course, Winifred was the name she took up when she came to the States, her real name -- Virineja Fedorovna Durjiagina -- was just too hard and too “Russian” for the place and people she was surrounded by. So she decided to go with a nickname and her husband's surname to make things easier.

They didn't say a word to each other, just exchanged a look, but for Steve that was already too much. He couldn't bear looking her in the eyes at that moment, he couldn't stand the thought that he put the life of her son in such serious danger. That he nearly got her son killed. That they nearly lost what was the most important thing in both their lives, and it was all Steve's fault.

Steve all but jumped into the woman's arms, burying his face in her neck and letting the tears fall again, flooding his face that in the last few days had known nothing but them anyway. 

She held him back, hard, a few tears streaking her cheeks as well. She was a strong woman, always has been, but this was a lot for her as well. She runs a hand in his hair and feels him sobbing on her shoulder, like he was a young boy all over again clutching his mother’s dress in his fist.

That’s what she’s always been for both of them, she was a mother first and she’s always embraced Steve like he was her own son. Ever since they were two little boys and Bucky used to bring Steve home with a red nose and ice cold hands. She would cook them some soup and wait for them to warm up and feel better. She’s always loved and appreciated Steve, she saw what he did for her son, and she had never seen Bucky’s eyes shine like they did when Steve was around. 

But now those eyes look so lost. She had just visited him, talked with him for a while, saw how he was doing, and tried to make him feel better. She didn’t want to cry in front of her boy, so she held on all she could, only to burst as soon as she stepped out of the room.

They clung to each other for a few minutes, or maybe hours, it’s not like Steve has any grasp on time lately. It was him to break the silence by whispering a muffled “I’m sorry” on the woman’s shoulder while slowly tearing his face away from her.

“Excuse me…?” she chuckles wetly, pulling away to put her hands on his shoulders, squeezing them lightly and looking him in the eyes. “What are you sorry for, you silly boy?” She asks, raising her eyebrows.

“I’m… it was my fault. The accident. I… I should’ve been more careful” his voice comes out hoarse and wet, and Winifred can’t avoid feeling the pain that he’s clearly in.

“You’re talking nonsense, honey, utter nonsense. I’ve been told everything about the accident and in no way was it your fault. Yes, you were in the driver’s seat, but the car wasn’t   
even moving. All the fault is on that reckless truck driver who didn’t notice you were stopped at the traffic light. None of this is your fault, darling, and nobody is blaming you for what happened. Nobody.” She brings a finger to his chin to raise his face slightly, stopping him avoiding her gaze as he was trying so hard to do.

“He should’ve had his seatbelt on” Steve says, now looking at her with big red eyes full of anger and sadness at the whole situation.

“Was it you that unplugged it?”

“No… no, he did…”

“And are you blaming him?”

“Of course not, I could never.”

“Exactly. So just stop and try to get your head together. There’s something you should know.” She straightens up and takes a seat next to him. She notices how his eyes never leave her, how desperate he is to hear any kind of news, good or bad it might be.

“What are you waiting for? Please, tell me” he begged.

“Oh, Steve, sweetie… okay, you need to know that he does remember you” Steve looks at her with wide eyes, waiting for that _but_ that he can already read on her lips.

“But…?”

“But…” she sighs, “he only remembers you as a child, he had trouble at first because there’s a lot of confusion in his poor brain right now, but with a little help he remembered a lot from when you were children. But he still doesn’t seem to recall anything of the man you became afterwards. I talked with some doctors and they told me that he needs therapy and exercise to try and recover the last four years of his life. He basically needs time. And some space.”

“You’re telling me to go home and wait.”

“That’s not what I’m doing at all.” Winifred sighs.

“How can you expect me to go back to my normal life, Winnie? How can I go back to doing anything at all knowing that he’s out there somewhere and I have no clue where? What, are you gonna take him back to Russia again? I-- I can’t live like this, you can’t ask me to. He’s not dead, I’m gonna help him get his memories back. I’m gonna be there for him. Always. That’s what I promised him and myself when I married him. In sickness and in health, you were there too, Winnie, don’t you remember?” 

“Hey, hey, you need to calm down. I would never ask you to do that, Steve, you know I wouldn’t, and I wouldn’t take him away from you either. But you need to understand. You need some time apart. He needs to be alone and recover as fast as he can. I won’t cut you out of his life, and I’m gonna be the one moving here until he’s ready to be with you again. But I’m gonna take him to Becca’s, we’ll be living there and we’ll see how things go. I’ll text you every day, twice a day if needed, and update you on everything. You know you can’t be seeing him right now, you saw how he reacted and we all just want what’s best for him. So please, please Steve, go home. Go take a shower, get Captain and go get some sleep. God knows, you need that! I’ll text you as much as I can. You need to go back to your life while we take care of him. You wouldn’t want him to know how you’re dealing with this situation, would you? When he gets back, you need to be the strong and successful man he fell in love with. Your students are waiting for you, you know it.”

Steve knows she’s right. And what she probably wasn’t saying was how he might have to win Bucky’s heart all over again. How could he do that when he smelled so bad and was a mess in general? Winnie has the situation under control, there’s nobody he trusts more when it comes to Bucky, and he needs to trust her right now. 

So he takes her advice and tries to go back to his life, with daily updates on his husband living just a few miles away from him.

He had no idea it would be _this_ hard.

**3 & ½ YEARS AGO**

It’d been 6 months since Steve offered Bucky the gym to give dance lessons to students that were interested. And Bucky, well… he fucking loved it.

Steve had been such an angel in organizing all of it just for him, and Christ, he did an amazing job.

At first, Bucky started out with a small crew just on Saturdays, but they quickly noticed that once a week wasn’t enough for proper training. So, he asked Steve to help him open the school gym on Sundays too, and needless to say, Steve was more than happy to help. After all, Steve was hanging around outside the doors anyway just to watch, especially in the beginning. He would never actually practice with them, but he just loved seeing how Bucky owned the rhythm in his perfect moves. His fingers itched to draw him every time he saw his long hair falling out of the half-up do Bucky was, uselessly, trying to keep tied up. 

Bucky felt like he could never thank Steve enough. He put so much effort into this and he was acting like it was no big deal. He managed to get the gym for free by talking with the principal, and in such a short time he found a way to install a stereo and some decent speakers that were also easy to put away when the class was over, and spread the news about his dancing lessons super fast and actually managed to find a whole bunch of students willing to try. 

All Bucky had to do was prepare a playlist, brush up on some moves and then be on time, and honestly, it was a really big deal for Bucky. This class, especially in the last few weeks, was what was keeping him sane and alive.

Not after long, the class actually got more and more popular, with students bringing some of their friends to join because it was free and open to everyone. Bucky didn’t really need the money, he had enough from the job at Rand Enterprises, and all he actually needed was some entertainment to unload some of the pressure from work. Plus he was more than happy just to see all these young people having fun trying new break-dance styles, from the less skilled to the ones who did know how to dance, but had no money to take proper classes anymore. 

It was exactly what he needed, to the point that he found a way to add more classes during the week, getting to four days a week and dividing his students in smaller groups. He also had to turn to YouTube to refresh some actual teaching skills that might have been helpful. He was having real fun, some nights he even stayed up late in his living room to learn new moves that he could show off to the guys the day after.

But it wasn’t all roses. 

Not only did his boss notice his absent mind and keep yelling at him about his lack of professionalism, but Natasha wasn't on his side either. She'd never really been on his side about dance actually. But it wasn’t Bucky’s fault, and he knew that, he could never blame her for being so hard about that topic. Natasha used to love dancing, when she was a child she did nothing but dance. She started taking classes when she was only 5, and she loved pirouetting and pointing her little feet _on pointè_. But fate hasn’t been too kind to her. Her mother died when she was only 10 years old, and she was left with a depressed father and a little brother to take care of. Long story short, she grew up way quicker than she was supposed to. She had to give up dancing and find a job when she was far too young. Life hardened her, and she stopped believing in passions and dreams to focus on more productive occupations. 

When Bucky met her during his university years that was exactly what he needed. A strong anchor to keep him steady to reality, to help him concentrate on his studies and his projects. That’s what he thought was right at the time. He was convinced that his degree was the most important thing to get him through life, to have a decent life, to find a good job, earn money and help his mother. All the rest would just be distractions. 

Yes, he did enjoy dancing with the kids, it was fun and useful to learn the language, but as soon as the language was no longer a problem, dance became a hobby and then, as Natasha kept reminding him, a distraction.

She was the one who got him out of the crew, and instead supported him and helped him through all of his studies, through every exam, from the smallest to the most important.   
Don’t get him wrong, Bucky would always be grateful for what she did; if it wasn’t for her, he probably would’ve never graduated, would’ve never found his first jobs in Russian companies and he definitely would’ve never found the amazing job at Rand in New York. 

It wasn’t just a small thing, it was everything Bucky needed, and she gave it to him. Natasha had been an anchor in Bucky’s life, a big, steady and strong anchor that helped him stay grounded and on the right course. 

But now things are different.

Now he’s been in the field for a year, and the job is getting boring and stressful. His mother is happily living in Russia with her family and a new partner and the money troubles are completely gone. 

Now, all he wanted to do was leave work to go dance, leave his house to get to the gym and dance, and then finish those dance sessions to see the warming smile that Steve reserved for him and him only. He felt like a teenager with a crush every time Steve looked at him, and Steve was always looking at him.

He knew how bad that was. He had Natasha and other responsibilities, but he just couldn’t help it. 

***

A few weeks later, Steve woke up with a dozen missed calls and twenty-three texts from Bucky.

From: Bucky

**"I know it's late but please call me"**

**"I really need to talk"**

**"I fucked up"**

**"You're the only one I trust atm"**

**"I'm sorry to bother you"**

**"Goddammit, what should I do now?"**

And a shit ton of others similar. 

Steve doesn’t wait to call him back. It was 8 am and if all those texts came less than 4 hours ago, Bucky might’ve been getting some sleep at the moment.

He wasn't.

_"Steve?"_

"Hey, Buck, are you okay? What happened?"

_"Steve… I…"_

"Where are you?"

_"Well…"_

Steve's head jerks at the sound of his doorbell ringing. He gets up at once and rushes to the buzzer to look through the small camera. Bucky was standing there looking at his feet, strands of hair falling on his forehead and slightly covering what was the face of a devastated man, deep dark circles under his eyes and trembling lips. 

Steve pushes the microphone button.

"How long have you been standing there? Come upstai--”

“I left my job and Nat kicked me out.”

“Oh, shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay everyone, we're getting a little bit of introspection here... This chapter is a lot of thoughts and less action, but I promise you'll be rewarded with some more "action" in the next chapter!
> 
> I was thinking of keeping the updates regular on Saturdays, what do you think? The waiting could shorten up a bit if I see you eager to know how this goes on, though! So get on with those kudos and comments, I need to know your reactions! ;)
> 
> Finally, as always, a special thanks goes to Katie for helping me through this <3


	4. Chapter Four

Steve rushed down the stairs and took Bucky up to his flat as soon as he heard those words and saw his trembling lips, meaning that more tears were coming.

He wasn’t wrong. As soon as he had a proper look at his face he noticed how red-rimmed Bucky’s eyes were. The poor guy probably spent the night crying and milling around his street.

“You could’ve rang the doorbell sooner, you know.”

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You could never…” Steve cuts himself off, not wanting to stress him out more. He knows he needs to calm down and talk things through, so he decides to turn on the coffee maker and make them both some toast. 

They stand there in silence for a while, Bucky collecting his thoughts and Steve making breakfast. Bucky takes a seat at the small table, and when everything is ready, Steve sits down next to him offering him a steaming cup of coffee and some toast covered in jam.

“So… do you feel like talking now?”

Bucky takes a deep breath, grabbing the cup firmly in his hands, probably burning himself from the heat, but Steve decides to let it go as Bucky starts talking. 

The day before, after the billionth scolding from his boss, Bucky lost his temper and started replying to his critiques, harshly, and that ended up with him quitting his job on the spot, right there and then. He went straight home, feeling pretty good considering, more free than he had ever felt in the last few years, and there Natasha was to tell her the news. But she wasn’t so happy to see him home that early in the afternoon. She thought something happened, that he might be sick or whatever, but when she found out that he’d left his job, her anger raged out.

She knew this was bound to happen, she started blaming it on his carelessness, on New York, on the dance classes and, in the end, on Steve too. She accused Bucky of betrayal, of stupidity, of being unfaithful.

While Bucky explains their argument his voice is so thin, insecure, cracking with every word, and Steve feels like Bucky believed it all, like he thought Natasha was right, he’d ruined everything he had. Steve puts a hand on his shoulder, causing Bucky to startle a little and then look straight into his eyes, pain and fear clear as the sun. Steve quietly offers him a small smile and nods, encouraging him to continue. 

Bucky takes another breath and finishes explaining everything to Steve, careful not to leave out any details, and finishes with how he ended up hunting down Steve’s building since he felt like he had nowhere else to go.

Steve took care of him for the rest of the day after. Luckily he had a day off from work, so he spent it making sure Bucky ate something and then holding him in his arms whenever he felt like crying. They soon find themselves cuddling on the sofa, Steve holding an arm around Bucky and gently carding his fingers through the other’s hair to relax him. Bucky fell asleep like that, enjoying the warmth and safety his body radiated and melting under his touch. 

Days pass, and Steve convinced Bucky to go back to Nat’s house and talk to her some more, but when he rang the doorbell, a man opened the door. Bucky used all of his strength to keep his cool and ask nicely for his (former?) girlfriend. 

Steve waited for him in his car and Bucky came out of his house half an hour later with a suitcase and a backpack on his shoulder. Steve rushed to open the car trunk and help him load his stuff inside, taking a glance at the window of the house and noticing the redhead glaring at him sternly. 

He jumped back in the car and quickly drives away from the house, placing a comforting hand on Bucky’s thigh that Bucky immediately took in his to squeeze strongly.

Bucky will forever be grateful to Steve for the strength he’s given him every day. He really couldn’t have done it without him, he would still be milling in the streets, or begging Natasha for forgiveness. Thanks to Steve, he didn’t have to see her face anymore.

In just a few days, Bucky manages to settle down in Steve’s apartment, after he swore over and over again that it wasn’t a problem at all and that he would share the place with him if he helped with the rent and household chores.

Bucky also needed to find a real job, so he simply decided to pursue his dance teacher career. He used some of his money to get a real licence and then found a place in a gym in Brooklyn where he would get a normal salary for doing what he loved to do.

Life was starting to come together for him, and it was all because of Steve.

***

Time passed, and Bucky, finally doing better, stopped blaming everything on himself and began to see how things had improved since the big change. Natasha, as good as she had been in his past, had started to be like an obstacle to his true happiness.

Steve, on the other hand, was everything Bucky wanted in his life. Bucky knew that Steve truly cared about his happiness and that he was putting him in first place, and Bucky had never felt happier.

Well, not until that night.

The two grew closer and closer in their time living together, but they were still hesitant to actually talk through their feelings face to face. They lived together, shared lunches and dinners, sometimes cuddled on the sofa in the evening while binge watching a show on Netflix, but it all ended there. Steve used to spend the night in his own bed and Bucky would use the couch and the living room as personal space. Bucky loved teasing Steve about this ( _“You have a fucking king size bed, Steve, come on!”_ ), but even if Steve just laughed it off, Bucky didn’t see how Steve couldn’t actually agree to let him sleep with him, because he was worried about what his unconscious self would do during the night. 

He would’ve loved to find out sometime though.

One night, Bucky came home announcing his arrival as usual, but found himself surprised when he noticed all the lights were off and Steve wasn’t home, but there was a note on the dining room table:

_Take a shower and dress nicely, I’ll wait for you downstairs at 7:30 pm -Steve_

“What the hell…?” Bucky muttered under his breath and glanced at the clock. 7 pm. 

He dropped all his stuff and ran to the bathroom to have a shower, excitement filling his body.

Half an hour later he was checking himself in the mirror, a black shirt on, sleeves rolled to his elbow, a matching pair of black jeans and his favourite black combat boots. He styled his hair back to have his face clean, and left his beard in a cured 5 o’clock shadow that made his blue-grey eyes pop out even more. He had to admit that he was looking  
damn fine, and he hoped with all of his heart that Steve would think the same too.

He finally left their flat and leapt down the stairs taking two steps at a time, eager to meet Steve as soon as possible.

When he turned the last flight of stairs he had to stop dead on the step because of the view that was waiting for him.

Steve stood at the bottom of the steps with a huge bunch of blue roses in hand, shifting from foot to foot in visible nervousness. He was wearing a deep blue suit with a white t-shirt, his hair styled after a fresh cut that could hold his blonde locks in place. His face also clean-shaven and Bucky can see his shy grin trying to hide some nervous excitement.

Bucky felt his mouth hanging agape when he heard Steve break the silence.

“Good evening, Buck, you look gorgeous.” he started, offering him a hand to come closer to him.

“The hell are you doing here?” Bucky replied a little, he giggled and took the hand that was offered first and then the big bouquet of flowers.

“Are those too much? I knew they were too much.” Steve’s nervousness was starting to seep through all his pores and Bucky couldn’t help but genuinely laugh at his cuteness.

“They are a lot, but I love them, Steve, I really love them.” Bucky smiled and placed a chaste kiss on the other man’s cheek, just to be rewarded with a full face blush from Steve, like a French novel lady. Oh, it would be such a fun night.

They decided to leave the flowers at home, and then got in the car to leave for whatever Steve had arranged. 

“Come on, just a little hint!” Bucky begged.

“Nuh-uh, on this date you worry about nothing and enjoy everything as a surprise” Steve replied.

“Oh, so that’s what it is, a date?”

Steve stopped the car in the parking lot of a restaurant, and turned to look at Bucky.

Bucky’s eyes widened a little and his lips slightly parted looking at the other man. The night was going exactly where he had been hoping for months. “Is that okay?” Steve asked gently.

“I would love that, Mr. Rogers.” he replied with a soft smile.

What Steve had planned was a table in one of the most luxurious restaurants in town, eating fancy fish dishes and drinking expensive wine. Of course, neither of them are the type for luxe and high-rated cuisine, but they have lots of fun in seeing how each other approaches the huge shrimps that they were served with. 

They ended the dinner by sharing a chocolate soufflé. Needless to say that Steve tried his best to start feeding Bucky, who, after a full minute of giggling, accepted the offer while bringing a spoonful to Steve’s lips as well.

After dinner, they started walking around the streets of their hometown, like a walk down memory lane for the both of them. Yes, Steve had always lived in the city, but he took all these places for granted until Bucky started asking about them. Their grade school, the old grocery store, the baseball field, Bucky was so happy to finally be able to see all of those places again, Steve saw his eyes shining with nostalgia and joy. He looked so beautiful, Steve had to promise himself that his only life purpose would be to see that man smile like that for the rest of eternity, if Bucky would let him.

The sun had already set when Steve led them through Prospect Park for a romantic walk by the shore. They didn’t even reach the shore before Bucky was unlacing his boots and rolling up his jeans, just to run into the freezing water. He turned back to show Steve a huge grin while running his wet hands through his long strands of hair to slick them back.

Steve’s two brain-cells were suddenly out of service at the sight of the man wetting his black clothes unconsciously, causing the shirt to stick to his glorious abs. Because what the hell, was that even legal?

“Oh my God, Buck that’s gross!” Steve started laughing loudly after shaking himself rid of those dirty thoughts that he felt approaching. It was the river water after all, definitely not for bathing. 

“Fuck you, Rogers, you’re gross! Come on, what are you waiting for, come get me!” Bucky yelled, opening out his arms to the other man.

“Come and get… oh you jerk” Steve whispered to himself while taking off his shoes, socks and jacket. He started stomping towards him until he reached the water, and then, after noticing a smug little smile on Bucky’s lips, dived on him, grabbing him by the waist to drag him completely in the water. 

Bucky replied with a loud squeak, taken aback by Steve's spurt, and threw his arms at him while struggling to not go underwater and not laugh at the same time. 

The water was freezing, but hell, Steve couldn’t care less. He was still holding onto a still laughing Bucky when they both stopped to find their faces inches from one another. They were dripping wet and Bucky’s lips were as red as cherries because of the cold. Steve couldn’t tear his eyes away.

“Do you think… would you mind if I…” Steve started, a little shaken, moving his eyes from Bucky’s lips to his eyes quickly. His brain was definitely short-circuiting.

“Oh dammit, Rogers” Bucky muttered before grabbing Steve's face firmly in his hands and pressing his frozen lips to the warm ones of Steve.

He lost himself completely in that sweet, cold, beautiful kiss, everything around him disappeared as he clenched his fists into the wet fabric of Bucky’s shirt. He wasn’t ever going to let go. This is everything he had ever hoped for. 

Bucky lost himself in the kiss as well, deepening it and moving his hands to Steve's strong pecs, like he couldn't ever get enough of him. He felt like melting in the other's arms, who was holding him steady and close to his body.

Neither of them wanted the kiss to end, and that night, it barely did.

But that was just the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaah! I was so excited to post this chapter!! I promised you some "action", and here it was ;) So eager to hear your reactions, and remember that you can always hit me up on my Twitter account (@mcuwhore) if you want to tell me what you're thinking!
> 
> I know this wasn't that long for a chapter, but it's because this was the last bit from their past. Now that we know some more about their story, we can go back to the present day next week and see the aftermaths of the accident, so... beware!! 
> 
> As always, special thanks to Katie are due, she's the absolute best proof-reader I could ask for! <3


	5. Chapter Five

“Hello…?” Steve mumbled into his phone.

“Oh God, Steve, darling, did I wake you up?”

“Winnie? No! No, I was, I was just…” Steve got out of bed quickly, trying to clear his sleepy voice, Winnie snickered softly on the other end. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

Winnie laughed softly again, “yes dear, everything is fine. I just wanted to ask if you wanted to see James today, we think he’s ready for it”.

Steve jumped upright and dropped his phone on his foot.

“Steve? Steve, what’s going on there??”

Steve swore and quickly bent to grab his phone, holding his sore foot at the same time. “Nothing, nothing, I’m sorry, shit… okay okay, when? Where? You need to give me more here, Winnie!” he hears the same soft chuckle again.

“I can drop him at yours around 6 this evening, is it okay for you?”

“Yes! Yes, I’ll be finished with work by that time and I can… yeah, that sounds amazing, really!”

“Perfect, darling. See you tonight.”

“Oh, Winnie?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

***

Bucky slowly got out of the car, closed the door behind him and bent over the windshield to share another scared look with his mother. What he got in response was a big, comforting smile that never failed to make him feel like a baby boy wanting to dive into his mother's arms. 

"It's gonna be alright, _сынок_. It's just Steve."

Bucky barely nodded, not convinced at all, but still waved his mother goodbye and turned to face the entrance of Steve's apartment building. Steve was there already, waiting for him to get closer, a shy, barely there smile on his lips. Bucky didn’t know how to feel about that. Steve is so kind to him, but he felt like a total stranger almost. Will this work? He honestly had no idea. His ma sounded so sure about all the good things that Steve could lead him to, but would they really be that great? He just wanted to go home.

Instead, Bucky closed his eyes and took a step forward, still not ready for what this night had in store for him.

"Hey, Buck" Steve said kindly. Bucky shuddered at the nickname. He's not used to hearing it anymore.

"Hey."

Steve opened the door and led them to his apartment, up so many stairs that made Bucky feel even more like he’s climbing towards the unexpected, the unknown, making his anxiety rise more and more. He tried to focus on his breathing instead, hoping the overwhelming feeling would stop when he’s alone with Steve and has the opportunity to ask him all the bruising questions he has been struggling with. That was the main reason he’d agreed to seeing him. Once he had those answers, maybe things would start making sense to him. The void he felt was unbearable, but this whole situation wasn’t helping him at all.

When they got to Steve's floor, Steve offered him another sweet smile while slowly opening the door to his place. Bucky took a step forward, his eyes still on Steve’s, trying to force a little smile to make himself believe everything was okay. When suddenly all the lights of the apartment switched on and a bunch of people jumped from everywhere to shout 

“Welcome home Bucky!” in unison.

Bucky stumbled back, taken by surprise, only to find himself in Steve’s arms, Steve’s smile still hovering over him all goofy and nervous.

“Welcome home, Buck.” he whispered softly.

Bucky swallowed some air and forced a smile even more. But Steve, looking at his face, immediately noticed how fake that smile was, how it doesn’t reach his eyes. Bucky tried to keep posture anyway, and started walking towards the group of people, trying to ignore the big lump he’s feeling in his chest. 

_Godammit, a surprise party? Who thought this would be a good idea? I just survived a brain injury!_

“Hey man, it’s so good to see you again!” a handsome black man said looking his way.

“Buckyy, can I see the scar? Is it that bad?” a short girl with long brown hair now approaching him with a stretched hand towards his face.

“Yo Barnes, there’s so much we need to talk about now that you’re back.”

Bucky couldn’t focus enough to understand who was talking, all the words coming his way fading into a blur, so he headed straight to where he felt there might be the kitchen.

He just needed some air, some time to focus and breath. Who are all those people? Why are they here? Is he supposed to know them? Why did Steve put him through this many people the first time he tries to reach out? Was this their life? People and party at his house? How is this his house? Home, they called it, this doesn’t look like home at all. He’s tempted to call his mom asking her to come and get him, and he actually takes his phone out to do so, when he hears a soft “meow” calling him.

There’s a white cat on the counter. A cat. He had a cat.

Fortunately everyone decided to leave him alone for a moment, so he takes time to get closer to the cat, who seems to recognize him, getting up and stretching its head towards the extended hand Bucky was offering.

Its fur is so soft and white, it reminds him of snow, and Bucky is, for some reason, mesmerized by its slow movements under his hand.

Is it even his cat? It could be anyone’s considering all the people in the neighbouring room. But it looks so convincing when rubbing its body to his hand.

“Do you remember Captain?” a warm voice comes up behind him suddenly. Bucky flinches, takes a breath and closes his eyes to roll them in silence, not ready at all to deal with the guy just yet, but he has no choice. He is here just to confront him, after all.

“Did you really think all this was a good idea?” he snarls while turning to face him.

Steve is clearly taken aback from the comment, but raises his hands and tries anyway “I di-- I thought you wanted to come back to normality and maybe seeing your friends could--”

“Normality?? Friends?? Are you even listening to yourself? I lost my memory, you idiot, how could this be normality to me?? I have no clue who anyone from the other room is! No fuckin' clue!!” He starts raising his voice, his nervousness turning into anger all of a sudden. “Do you have any idea how big of an effort it was for me to just come here? How many nights I spent thinking whether I should do this or not? Not entirely sure that you could understand? Hell, this is proof that you can’t!” Bucky throws his arms in the air whilst moving towards Steve, his eyes stinging from tears that he doesn’t want him to see. “My ma convinced me, saying you were worthy and that you would understand. I’m not sure if she was talking about the same man that is standing in front of me, though. You-- I don’t know anyone in that room, I don’t know this place, I don’t know this cat and fuck, I don’t even know you!” he points a finger to Steve’s chest, red eyes fixed on Steve’s, his breath hitching. He only lasts a moment before he turns and leaves him.

Steve had nothing to say. All he feels is guilt rising in his throat at every word the man speaks. He fucked up. Again.

“Baby--- Bucky, I--”

“And who the hell is Bucky?? My name is James, no one calls me that!”

“I… I’ve never called you James…”

“Oh, dammit.” Bucky quickly turns and goes back to the kitchen counter, filling a glass with water and falling on a chair, hands in his hair.

***

He hears the kitchen door open sometime later and glances up to see Steve standing in the doorframe. 

“I sent everyone home.”

“Yeah… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t. It’s my fault. I got overly excited and thought seeing your old friends would be a good idea. I was an idiot, still am, for what it’s worth.” Steve shrugs his shoulder once and takes a little break before walking towards the counter opposite Bucky, and kindly asks “May I…?” 

Bucky answers with a short nod.

Captain immediately puts himself in between Steve’s arms, looking for cuddles.

“His name is Captain,” Steve starts calmly after a silence that lasts what feels like an eternity, “you found him one night after work, near your gym. He was so thin, looking for food in the dumpster.” He slowly pets the cat’s fur, in a soothing movement that Bucky follows with his eyes. “He was nice to you since the very first day, you picked him up and ran home to show him to me. You gave him a full cup of milk, poor thing, he slurped it all. Then you gave him a bath, and his fur was so dirty that he looked grey, but when the actual white fur started becoming clear, you got all excited and looked at me with a huge smile. Christ, I still have no idea how he got that dirty, I had to clean the bathtub with bleach for a week after that bath.” he chuckles softly, and Bucky genuinely smiles too. Steve starts rubbing under the cat’s chin, which he starts exposing while purring loudly. “While you were towelling him, you saw the star, can you see it? Right in the centre of his chest. Or at least, you say that’s a star, it still looks like a normal spot to me!”

“That’s definitely a star,” Bucky says in a low voice, raising his eyebrows and pointing a full hand at it. Steve hardly keeps himself from smiling at the man’s response.

“Yeah, yeah, okay if you say so! In any case! You decided to call him Captain because of the star. And well, you literally begged me to adopt him, like literally, on your knees and all! And I just couldn’t say no to that face.” Steve smiles to himself, missing the way Bucky’s cheeks turned red at his words.

“I’m-- I’m sorry I forgot about all this.” Bucky murmurs while fiddling with his fingers.

“Hey hey hey, no, none of that. This is not your fault. This is no one’s fault.” Kind of. Sometimes Steve still blames himself. Steve puts a hand on his, mainly by habit when noticing the other man nervousness. And Bucky lets him. 

“I lied.” Bucky whispers so low that Steve almost missed it.

“What?”

“I lied, I know who Bucky is.” Steve feels himself tensing, not sure what to expect. “Bucky is that little boy that lived in Brooklyn, Bucky is the boy who loved snow and animals and dance, Bucky is my childhood. And you were the one calling me Bucky, only you, not even my ma. I miss that carefree boy. I feel like I haven’t been Bucky for so long and that’s why it didn’t work on me the first time after waking up.”

“You’ve always been Bucky to me.” Steve says, convinced and firm, squeezing his hand a little tighter. Bucky nods slightly.

“How long?” 

“4 years. We’ve been married for 2.”

“I have so many questions…”

“We have all night, baby.”

***

“Tell me about you.” Bucky starts after Steve offered him a cup of hot chocolate.

“Oh, okay this is a little weird considering you were the one person that knew me better than anyone else.” Steve chuckles a little, eyes low.

“Sorry…”

“No, no, it's fine, you can learn again, if you’d like that.” Steve gives him a hopeful look with a pressed lips smile.

“I’d like to try, yeah.” 

“Okay, well… my birthday is the 4th of July and--”

“No way!” Bucky suddenly straightens up, excitement and disbelief written all over his face.

“How can you not remember… ya’ know what? Never mind, that was your exact same reaction the first time too.” Steve replies while leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms on his chest. “When we were kids, for years you had so much fun telling me that the fireworks were all for me, all shining and colourful to celebrate my fuckin’ birthday. And I, the moron, believed you!”

“Oh God, yeah, I remember! You were so… tiny and excited and happy…" Bucky lowers his head, hoping Steve doesn't notice the blush that he feels creeping on his cheeks. Why does he keep blushing whenever this man is around? "And I felt so proud for making you feel like that…"

"You were the best, Buck. When I found out the truth, I didn't have it in me to be mad at you. You made every birthday much more special, and I can't thank you enough for that. I felt blessed to have you in my life, I still do, for what it’s worth." Steve twists his fingers around the hot cup while talking, and Bucky's gaze is fixed on his hands, some part of him itching to grab them. 

"Bad for you that I also remember me being the only one friend you had, so of course I was the best one, you punk" Bucky says with a sly grin on his face, holding himself back to watch his face now.

That response? It came all too natural to Bucky not to give it to Steve.

"Oh you, jerk!" Steve's lips open up in a huge smile and he shakes his head while getting up to grab something from the kitchen cabinets. 

While Steve has his back to Bucky, he lowers his gaze back to his mug, feeling a little bit of confidence working up in him again. He whispers, just loud enough for Steve to listen, "You know, when I woke up I couldn't recognise you… you’re so different. In my memories you’re nothing but a small, thin, sickly boy that I had to take care of and make sure you didn't catch the flu every time you took a step out of your door. How did that change so much? How can you be the “Stevie” from my memories?"

Steve freezes at the nickname, his hand still on the marshmallow packet he always keeps in case of emergencies (he learned the hard way that you would _never_ want to find yourself in front of a Bucky craving marshmallows without some. Since then, he always keeps a packet of candies in his cupboard.) 

He slowly turns and sits back before Bucky, offering him the open packet to add to his chocolate mug. Bucky gives a look at him and notices a small glint of something shiny in the corner of his eye. Steve slips it away so fast, the tear disappears before it's even fully formed.

"You did. You did all those things and that boy wouldn't be alive if you didn't. I know I don't look like him anymore, thank God I don't. I've always been taking meds and vitamins, but I guess they didn't actually kick in until my puberty spurt, which was a pretty late one, damn it," he says with a low chuckle, but it's not a joyful one, it's sad, it hides pain and loneliness. "After you left, I started training, going to the gym almost every day, I had the doctors checking on me even more than usual, and I guess I never stopped. So, well, here I am. All strong and handsome for my best man!" he opens his arms wide, a smile on his lips that doesn't really belong there. And Bucky knows that, even if he doesn't know how.

"I'm sorry I left you."

"Don't be, I was never angry at you and you never needed to be forgiven." Steve feels Bucky shifting, until his hands are on his, a gaze fixed on his eyes.

"It must have been hard, going through all this alone. I'm sorry you had to, but you did so well. It's still unbelievable to me how this", Bucky motions to Steve’s body, "came from what I remember! Wow, just… wow."

Steve flushes a little, brushing his thumb over the back of Bucky’s hand when they’re holding each other’s again. "You said something like that the first time too. Thank you, Buck. Truly… thank you." Maybe he is slowly getting his best man back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this one too! We're back to present day so we get some slightly different vibes from them... but hey! Let's welcome little Captain to the crew (yes, he's clearly a different version of Alpine if you were asking, don't judge me).
> 
> In any case, thank you for all the kudos and comments, they're always well accepted!! And you can always find me on my twitter account (@mcuwhore) if you want to chat! 
> 
> As always, special thanks to Katie because she's ALWAYS the best! <3


	6. Chapter Six

Bucky wakes up way before Steve, on a bed that doesn't feel like his, but he couldn't say no after Steve insisted so hard. He gets up and heads for the kitchen, passing by Steve who’s laying on the sofa and still sleeping soundly. He takes a moment to tuck his blanket a little more under him, feeling soft at the sight of the big man sleeping like a baby.

Sure, Steve was wrong in organising the whole party thing, but he tried to make up for it as soon as he realized it. If there's one thing Bucky can't argue with, it’s how sweet and understanding Steve is being with him now. He's giving him space and always putting his needs first, and Bucky notices. 

After all, it's like walking on thin ice with him these days, even his ma was slipping every now and then and Bucky's mood would swing up and down like a roller coaster, and Steve slipped hard, on his butt on that ice. It must’ve hurt.

But then he made him a hot chocolate, offered to sleep on the couch, leaving him the king size bed, and basically treated him how he likes, proving once again how well Steve knows Bucky. And James. Steve knows both. 

But really, Bucky still didn't know Steve all that well.

He still felt weird, out of place, but talking with Steve the previous night had been… good. He felt good talking to Steve. Of course, what else could he expect; Steve had been his best friend for years, and, apparently, he even married the guy. It should be no surprise finding out that they get along without big issues. 

But he can’t help feeling a little uneasy, like Steve can't keep any distance between them, and Bucky needs that distance. He's not blaming the poor thing, he can't even imagine what Steve's going through, but he's dealing with big shit himself. His mind is a constant twirl of thoughts and confusion, and Steve is barely in it. What else is he supposed to do?   
He _is_ trying his best, even just by coming here and trying to have a conversation with his supposed husband.

Not that he dislikes having him as his husband, Steve is amazing, he looks divine, his eyes are mesmerising, and he's the sweetest chunk of muscle one could ever desire. Bucky can admit it, he's glad it's Steve that his past self married.

He just can't bring himself to feel at ease with him right now.

He cooks himself breakfast, gets a shower, lazes around a bit and then decides to leave the house for a while. Maybe that'll help clear his mind.

By foot, he can reach so many places, the coffee shop, the flower shop, the grocery store, and even a fancy little dog shelter. From every place, some unknown faces smile at him or stop to greet him. He kindly waves and smiles back, trying to ignore that low panic threatening him in the middle of so many strangers.

He finds himself near a metro station, and decides to follow his gut feeling and get on the first train, just to see where his instincts go. Without caring about the name of the stop he got off at, he finds himself at the base of a huge building, as tall as the other skyscrapers but much more massive, colourless, maybe even scary for someone not used to New York life. Bucky is not one of them, though. 

He walks into it, takes the elevator and presses the 38th floor button. He does ask himself why that number, out of the 50 plus in the console, but after all, he has no idea why he is there and where the hell “there” is anyway.

As he walks out of the elevator, a huge sign in all white capitals right above the welcome desks welcomes him, saying “RAND ENTERPRISES”. A nice young lady lights up when she sees him coming in, a mix of surprise and pleasure on her face “Mr. Barnes! So nice to see you again!”

“Uh… thank you, uhm… Patricia” he reads the tag on her chest, squinting his eyes a little “Nice to see you too, I guess…”

She tries to speak again but he deftly ignores her with a kind but forced smile so he could head towards a narrow corridor that looks familiar. He’s looking at the names on the glass doors when he bumps into a lady speaking loudly on the phone. She stumbles back a little, but without losing her composure in the black heels she was wearing. As soon as Bucky sees her face, everything settles in the right place and he finally remembers where he is: his old work-place. Or, not that old for his memories.

“James? Oh my God, how long! What are you doing here?!” She quickly ends the call she was on and takes his side, locking an arm under his and walking him towards what must be her office.

“Natasha, hi! I… I really don’t know how or why I’m here, I just felt like this is where I am supposed to be.” He feels comforted being near someone he remembers so well, in the place he feels like he was just yesterday, just before the accident. "Is it really that long?"

"Oh, _дорогой_ , the car accident must have been pretty harsh, huh?" her eyes soften, so much like she's looking at a kicked puppy, and she brings a hand to Bucky's forehead, looking for the scar with her fingers. Bucky feels a little uncomfortable at the sudden intimacy of the touch, but at the same time he can imagine himself holding her and cuddling at her side. He shouldn't be thinking about those kinds of things, he really shouldn't and he knows that, but he can't help it. It’s comforting, and he's starving for any form of comfort.

His life has been such a mess for the last few days, between his mother oh-so-present in everything he does, and Steve forcing him in a life he doesn't belong to. Still, he's not angry at Steve, he really isn't, it’s just… too much for him. The confusion is overwhelming, and she's radiating some sense of home, of comfort, of habit. 

Natasha just seems to be everything he needs right now.

She always has been. She was a rock in Bucky's life, his anchor and the voice of sense he had always needed. And maybe, just maybe, this is what he actually wants.

So he lets her.

"Becca told me everything, I'm so sorry about it all, _малыш_. But I'm really glad you decided to come back here, that was a wise choice. Here is definitely where you're supposed to be." Her voice is so low and warm, her fingers moving from his forehead to his hair, tucking a strand behind his ear, and staying there, just a light touch on his neck. 

Bucky feels himself shiver through his entire body. He places a hand on her tiny hip, his eyes switching from her eyes to her lips and back. 

He's being so charmed by her voice, her touch, all of her. In the back of his mind, something is telling him to stop, that this isn't what he really wants, that he'll regret this, but it's all still so blurred, so foggy, and it's getting on his nerves how he’s always so confused. And Natasha isn't blurred at all, she's there, standing clear in his life and mind, he remembers all the time he spent with her, or at least he thinks so. At least, the memories he has of her is clear as day (not like someone else's).

So fuck it. 

Fuck the accident, fuck this weird life, fuck that small apartment he is supposed to live in, fuck it all.

He cups Natasha's jaw with his hand and moves forward to let their lips meet, feeling her gladly melting into it, and himself almost tensing in the kiss, angry at all the unfair accidents his life's giving him.

***

When Steve wakes up it’s because he's feeling a little too warm, the sunlight hitting him on his face now, and when he slightly opens his eyes through sleepiness, he notices a blue blanket wrapped over him, over the ones he fell asleep in. It takes a moment for him to realise what happened, but then the previous night comes rushing back to him and the warmth he felt spreads in his chest too. Bucky tucked him in, Bucky is here and he took care of him. It's such a little gesture, nothing spectacular, but it means so much to him, a little step towards normality. He missed this so much that his eyes are tearing up.

But he doesn't really have time for these things, he's probably already late for work. He fell asleep so late that night, of course he overslept. Plus, the thought of having Bucky in the neighbouring room helped him sleep better than he had for days. He gets up from the sofa and pads through the living room to the bedroom, light-hearted, expecting to see his husband there.

His heart skips a beat when he notices that first, the bed is empty, and second, Bucky can't be anywhere nearby for the stillness that reigns in the whole apartment. 

He glances at the clock. It's only 8:30am, Bucky has no place to be, not that he knows of anyway. He has no idea where he might be, where he might have gone, and of course, of fuckin' course, he starts panicking.

He quickly pulls out his phone to call Bucky, but he feels himself sink even further when he hears it ringing on the bedside table. Okay, amazing. Bucky left him and left his phone here so he has no way to contact him. 

At least he has to come back to retrieve it, right?

He considers staying home waiting for him to come back, but that's not really an option. He promised he would be back at work now that Bucky's doing better, he has so much left to do and he really can't afford to lose his job. 

He calls Sam instead.

"Yo man, is something wrong?"

"Why are you just assuming that?" Steve asks a little impatiently, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Well we're supposed to see each other in less than an hour at school, so either you're feeling really Sam-sick, or you need something, or something happened. So, what is it?"

Steve exhales loudly, of course Sam knows him so well, "Bucky's gone."

"Uhm, I'm gonna need you to elaborate on that, please."

"I mean, he must have left before I woke up, he left his phone here. No text, no note, I have no idea where he is." Steve shuts his eyes to suppress the thought of Bucky leaving him. Again.

"Hey, Steve, listen to me. Can you do that? I want you to listen to me. Yes, you're right, you don't know. And I know what you're thinking but you-don't-know. He might’ve just gone for a walk, or maybe he needed a little time to think and live in his old/new neighbourhood. Don't you dare think of the worst, okay? You can't know and you don't know. So calm your ass down, get ready and come to work. I'll meet you halfway on the road anyways, okay? Can you do this for me?"

"Yes, yeah I think I can." 

"Good, hurry up and see ya in half an hour, man."

Steve hangs up. Sam's right. He should give Bucky some space.

The day passes slowly, unbearably slowly. Steve gives his lectures, talks with his students, plans his classes, everything is going well. Perfectly well. Just on the outside, though.

When the last bell rings, all his students quickly filing out of the classroom, he gets up and starts collecting his stuff, his hands trembling a little more than he'd like to admit. As he nears the exit, his steps become more eager as he fears the possibility of getting home to an empty house. He needs to know. This is too much, he shouldn't have fallen asleep last night and he can't lose Bucky all over again. He could be anywhere now, might even be lost, alone and scared. Steve should be there all the time, watching over him, protecting him, but what is he doing? Losing time, losing sense, losing the love of his life.

He feels a hand slip under his arm, he had been leaning on a locker without even noticing, and now Sam is pulling him to the doors. 

"This is not healthy for you, man. But I don't want Principal Stark to see you like this, so I'll get you home and we'll find him together, aight?"

Steve only manages to mumble something.

They get home, Sam always at Steve's side. When they open the door, the lights are on, and something in Steve's heart warms. 

Bucky's sitting on the sofa, silently reading a book, and turns when he hears footsteps from the entrance. As soon as his eyes meet Steve's, he opens up in a kind smile and starts getting up.

"Hey Steve,"

He has no time to fully get up before Steve’s giant figure is wrapping him tight and burying his face in his neck. He gives a startled look at Sam from behind his shoulder, to which   
Sam replies with an eye roll and a lifted smile.

Bucky closes his arms around Steve, trying to comfort him a bit.

"Hey, big guy, I'm here, nothing to worry about."

"I'm- I'm sorry. I thought you were gone… or lost, you were lost somewhere…" Steve starts to slowly unravel from the embrace.

"Well, you weren't all wrong. I did get lost, but I called ma, and she drove me back here." 

Steve turns and notices that they're not alone in the house. Winnie is standing in the kitchen, drinking a hot tea from one of their mugs.

"Oh, Winnie! Hey… sorry, I, I didn't notice you."

"Don't worry, sweetheart, of course you were worried, I understand. But there's another reason I'm here, though, right, James?" She says in her usual kind tone, stepping towards her son and putting a hand on his lower back.

"Yeah, yeah… I have something to tell you, Steve." Bucky starts.

Steve looks at him with raised eyebrows, waiting for him to go on, panic already rising in his chest. Luckily, Sam is quickly behind him, making his presence felt and comforting at   
Steve's side.

"I'm going home, Becca just told us she is getting married, and I'm going back home to help them prepare for the wedding. Hope you don't mind, Steve. Maybe I can come back here once the wedding is over, if that's okay for you." Bucky's trying to suppress a smile as he's talking, obviously excited for the news he only recently found out. 

Steve nods with a smile, slightly relieved about the situation. Becca's getting married, that's something to be happy about, he'd like to congratulate her as well. There's nothing to worry about. Bucky will be with his family for a little while longer and then things will go back to normality. 

Won't they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm not gonna add much to this one, just gonna leave this here.
> 
> If you feel like venting, you know where to find me ;)
> 
> Oh, and about chapter 5? Yes, I agree with all of you, Steve was a massive idiot, but I swear he only wanted to do good, he's still a cinnamon roll to me... isn't he?
> 
> As always, quick special thanks to Katie for helping me making this fic possible <3


	7. Chapter Seven

It’s the week of the wedding. On Saturday, Becca will get married, and on Wednesday night they have the rehearsal dinner. Steve honestly can’t wait. He hasn’t seen Bucky for more than a month now, and his life has turned into one of a single man, which means boredom, Netflix shows, work, nights out with Sam and a little time off with Captain - he is so sick of it. To be fair, he is thankful for Sam. He had been the only one that cared enough to make sure Steve didn’t end up a depressed burrito wrapped in his bedsheets. He came really close to it, but that’s not important.

Things are going to change soon. He can feel it. He has something ready for Wednesday, and he’s sure the next few days will be the last he spends alone. They have to be. 

The house is just so empty, he’s done with taking care of everything if he only has to do it for himself. Maybe that's why everything looks so messy: a perfect reflection of how Steve is feeling. A mess, like what used to be their bedroom just a few months before; empty, like the fridge too big for one person; cluttered, like the kitchen with all of the tools Bucky bought, that Steve has no idea how to even begin using.

Shit, he's doing it again. He's looking at himself in the mirror, wearing the suit he's gonna be wearing in two days, leaving the jacket and the tie in the closet (he's gonna add those on the wedding day). He closes his eyes and imagines what Bucky would do: he would get close, bring his long, callused yet soft fingers to his neck and fix his collar, whispering a compliment in his ear softly. Steve wouldn't be able to resist him and he would hold him in his arms gently, pull him closer and kiss the shit out of him, and Bucky would chuckle while Steve ate the chuckle straight from his lips, he would lift him from the floor and take him to their bed, and they would undress each other, they’d make love for God knows how long, neither of them would care, just enjoying each other, getting drunk off each other, with love and lust and desire.

Steve feels something soft sliding between his calves, and immediately wakes up from his daydream to see Captain trying for his attention. Amazing, now he's sad, nostalgic, and sexually frustrated. He crouches down to pet the cat, his soft fur calming him down a little, but unable to bring him completely out of his sadness.  
Wednesday has to work. It was his last chance. If Bucky's memories won't come back, he’ll make Bucky fall in love with him all over again.

***

Wednesday eventually comes after what felt like forever. Steve is hanging around the garden with some drink Becca put in his hand after telling him to enjoy the cocktail party before joining the dinner. She'd been so sweet, she promised to try her best not to leave him alone, but it wasn't her fault that everyone was asking for her. Yeah, she had been the one to ask Steve to join both the wedding and the rehearsal dinner like he's part of the family, no matter what happened with Bucky, but she was the bride after all. And she looked amazing. Seeing her so sure in everything she did, so kind to each and every guest, and then so sweet every time her fiancé was near her, Steve couldn't help but feel proud of her, as if he was her big brother. He has this beautiful painting waiting in his hotel room, he's gonna give it to the couple on the wedding day, and he's sure she's gonna love it. It took a whole month to paint, and Steve loved how the colours blended on the canvas, perfectly matching the love and souls of the couple. He’s pretty proud of it and can't wait for her to see it, no one but her deserves such a work of art.

For that reason, sending her away to all her bridal duties wasn’t so difficult: he was there to see Bucky, and even with all the love he had for her, she knew, and she assured him that Bucky would be at the party soon, and he would finally have some company then. Hopefully, Steve added in his mind.

It took another 20 minutes of useless small talk with aunts and family members Steve didn’t know for Bucky to finally appear.

And Steve is breathless as soon as he sees him.

Yeah, it seemed like ages since they last saw each other, and yeah, Steve missed him so much he couldn't think straight. But damn, he didn't expect that. 

Bucky looks so different, he cut his hair short, perfectly held back with tons of pomade (it probably took hours for him to style, him being late finally making sense), he was wearing a tight fitting suit, a dark blue, highlighting his eyes, and his beard was gone completely. He is beautiful, utterly amazing. 

He looks so young, and so, Steve can't explain in any different form than… _expensive_. 

It's almost like they're back to the beginning, when Bucky was the important businessman he met when he just got back to the US. 

Steve feels a lump in his throat. This doesn't mean he is that man all over again, does it?

He tries to work up some courage, taking a few steps towards Bucky whilst trying to keep himself straight and not be thrown off by the man's beauty and presence.

"Hey, Buck! You look… you look really great!" he hesitates, not sure where all this insecurity came from all of a sudden.

Bucky greets him back and thanks him, and before the conversation dies in small talk and nonsense, Steve asks all too randomly, (though he’d rehearsed this so many times in front of the mirror, so now it's all or nothing): "What's your favourite book?"

"Wha-what? Uhm… I mean, probably not the one that you remember" Bucky grimaces, blinking rapidly in confusion.

"Just tell me, please."

"The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde"

Steve hides a smile (at least he tries), thank God that didn't actually change. "Okay now, you probably remember wanting everyone else to read it as well, and you probably lent it to some friends to do so."

Bucky chuckles, not really understanding what Steve's getting at, "I did, yeah, I remember."

"And you did so because what you wanted, is for them to experience what you did while reading it, wishing it was you living that moment all over again, as if you knew nothing about it and could start over." Steve smiles.

Bucky’s face beams, finally starting to understand his point, and he crosses his arms and purses his lips, now humming lightly listening to the man in front of him, totally captured by his way of talking through things.

"So, my point now is" Steve continues "would you like to try reliving some of the moments we had together?"

Bucky smiles, he really likes how this man acts so sure of himself, but at the same time is so clearly hiding nervousness and excitement. He is just so cute, and Bucky just wants to take him in his arms and hold him and promise him everything will be okay. 

What the hell is he thinking? What is this man doing to him? Is it normal to feel all warm inside whenever he's around?

He's taking too much time to answer and Steve notices, and he hears the blonde clearing his throat. He clears his thoughts to answer the question, when he feels a loud voice reaching him from behind and planting at his side.

"Hey James, _любимый_ , where have you been? Oh, look who's here, Rogers." Natasha appears at Bucky's side like a hawk watching its child, and Steve feels his gut clenching at the memories this situation brings back. He didn't expect her to be here, he wasn't ready to deal with her, he could have never imagined that Bucky would recede and go back to her considering how lost he felt. He should’ve guessed it from seeing him in the expensive suit and tie though, he's clenching his fists so hard he feels his nails breaking the skin. 

Bucky never used to wear tight fitting, elegant clothes beside when he was forced to or during his time between Russian and American corporations. As soon as he succeeded in giving up that life, his closet changed dramatically and switched to comfy clothes that he could wear whilst dancing, all warm and soft to protect him from the freezing New York weather that he hates so much. ( _"Yeah, I was raised in Russia but this is different, Steve, this cold is way worse than the Russian Winter, capital letters implied"_ ) The only skinny things in his closet were a pair of slacks with a shirt, - no tie, he hates feeling constricted around the neck, - and a couple pairs of jeans that would make his bum look _heavenly_ (Steve's words) and that he'd love to wear every time he had a surprise for Steve. Yes, Steve definitely loves those jeans; and he misses that view.

Steve tries his best to focus on good things whilst talking to Natasha, keeping the conversation nice and civil, because they're adults and he can't just run, grab Bucky by his waist, throw him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and take him away from everything. No, it doesn't matter how _bad_ he wants that, he won't do that.

"So, what were you talking about?" Natasha again interrupts Steve's staring at Bucky's legs, and chest, and arms, and the way he tucks his hands in his pockets, and perfectly styled hair.

"Steve was asking me something, we're gonna try and hang out…" Bucky is actually returning some of the stares, Steve only now notices and feels his cheeks burn in a rush of excitement and shyness.

"You’re going to what?" Natasha starts laughing like a freaking witch, Steve can see the hat and everything. He should make her into a comic someday. "Ooh _ты так идиот,_ " Bucky stiffens and gives her a bump with his elbow. Steve doesn't know Russian but he can pretty much tell what she meant.

"What??" Natasha continues, now looking at Bucky "You haven't told him yet? You’re gonna mislead him like that?" She takes a step closer to Steve, bringing a hand to his shoulder and her lips close to his ear.

"You should just give up, how does it feel to see your former husband slipping from your hands and going back to his true nature, a woman, who can _actually_ satisfy all his needs?" Steve's upper lip twitches in anger, and he pushes her hand away from his shoulder in a quick motion.

“Don’t touch me.” Steve growls quietly, glaring at the ground, trying to keep calm despite her words.

“You should have seen him at my office, what was it? A few weeks ago? Maybe a month? It doesn’t matter, because he was so desperate, so lost, your little puppy. He came to me, and that’s understandable since I’m the only one that could ever make him feel safe. Oh and he kissed me, like he was so desperate for a kiss and he kissed me like it was the end of the world, and it was so fuckin’ good...”

Steve can’t stop himself from pushing her body away from him, maybe a little harsher than he intended, but blinded by the jealousy that was rushing through him, he bring his eyes to Bucky, who is still standing there, a few steps from them, not able to hear what the woman told him, but Steve was sure that he knew what was going on. 

“What the fuck, Bucky?!” Steve starts stomping away, feeling dizzy and overwhelmed by the whole situation. He’s near the exit of the garden, with less people around him, when he feels Bucky’s hand touching his shoulder. “Steve, wait!” he hears, and he quickly turns to face him, trembling with rage.

“Do you have any idea what I’ve been going through? Do you have any fucking idea? I’m doing my best, waiting for you, giving you all the space that you need, trying to welcome you to your new life, and that’s what I get in return? You fooling around with your ex-girlfriend? Do you even remember the mess she put you through? Huh? Do you remember waking up in the middle of the night, panicking from a bad dream and calling me, almost crying, asking “Is this really what’s waiting for me?” Do you wanna go through it all over again? Feel free because you’re fucking welcome to do so. But you’ve got to remember one thing, Bucky: you had me the first time you had to deal with her, but I’m not gonna be there for you anymore. Not this time. I’m fucking done, Bucky. James. Whatever the hell you wanna go by now. I’m done.”

“This… this is not fair!!” Bucky almost screams, on the verge of tears and not knowing what to say other than that.

“It’s not fair? I… I see the way you look at her. I can see it because… because once it was me you were looking at that way.” Steve’s voice finally breaks.

“Steve, I…”

“No… We need to get real. This isn’t going anywhere, and we both know that. Your memories won’t come back anytime soon, probably won’t at all, and the truth is, I’m still and forever will be just a stranger to you.” Steve drops his gaze, lowering his head. He hoped things would change tonight, and they were, just not in the way he wanted them to.

“I… I never wanted to hurt you.” Bucky is still fighting to stop the tears from falling, but he can’t anymore. The pain in his chest is stronger than ever. The confusion that always followed him was now turning to this feeling of being broken, unrepairable. He lets the tears fall freely “I tried my best not to hurt you, I swear. But it seems like all I can do is let you down. And just… sorry. I’m sorry.” Bucky tries to look at his face, his bottom lip never stops trembling.

Steve can’t look at his face though, he can’t stand the view of the man he loved the most, feeling so broken because of him. The only thing preventing Bucky from happiness is Steve. He had been selfish for long enough. He just wanted to have his husband back in his life, but that was selfish and how did he not notice it? He was slowly breaking Bucky. It doesn’t matter how broken _he_ felt, no, not when Bucky was hurting too. He was better than that. He promised to put him first, from the day they met, during their marriage and always. He wasn’t gonna change that now.

“I know you are.” Steve clears his throat, and tries looking at him, letting out a puff of hot breath. "How can one look at the man he loves, and convince himself it’s time to go?” He lets out in a whisper.

Bucky has nothing to say to that, besides just pressing his lips firmly together and never tearing his gaze away from him. Steve, however, starts moving, and passes beside Bucky while he walks away from that awful, terrible space. Their arms brush when Steve walks past him, and he prevent himself from doing anything stupid by curling his hands into fists and pressing his nails in his palm, trying to distract himself in every way he can.

But Bucky can’t stop himself in time, and before Steve can even make it to the fence, Bucky finds himself turning and blurting out a “Steve…” in between tears. Steve stops and  
turns his head, showing him that he’s listening, but he keeps his eyes closed: he still doesn’t know what he will do if he takes another look at Bucky’s face, marked by all those tears.

“I would be blessed if someday I’m able to love someone just an inch of the way you love me.”

Steve doesn’t reply, he’s way too done with all of this. He leaves the house, and only lets his tears fall when he reaches his own car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is coming just a little late, I'm sorry!! And I'm also sorry about the overall chapter... What do you think will happen now? WIll Steve be able to forgive him? Does Bucky even want to be forgiven? Poor Steve... He was so happy and confident about winning his boy back...
> 
> As always, if you feel like venting or just talk about it, my twitter (@mcuwhore) is always open <3 
> 
> And last but not least, special thanks to Katie for helping me out! <3


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm spending a little word here to give this chapter to Emma. She helped me going through this fic more than she probably realized, and she asked me to do what's happening in this chapter, so I decided to give it to her. So Emma, this one's for you. Thank you for your constant support. <3

A while later, Bucky goes back to his sister’s party, feeling a little more composed and less desperate. As expected, Becca immediately took his side and asked him about what happened and where Steve went. But if there was one thing Bucky didn’t want to do, it was to ruin such an important moment for his sister, so he simply dismissed her with the promise of telling her later, and made her go back to her guests and her lovely soon-to-be husband.

Natasha approached him too, but he wasn’t in any way ready to deal with her at that moment. He dismissed her too as soon as she tried to get closer to him.

He slumped on one of the sofas inside the house and happened to see the wooden cabinet. Bingo! What a better way to spend the rest of the night without disturbing others than with a bottle of vodka by his side? Knowing his ma, she probably had some quality Russian liquor stored in there and he could definitely use some. He got up and looked for that one bottle, finding it just behind the whiskeys where his ma clearly failed to hide it.

He slumped back on the sofa and opened the bottle, starting to drink from it right away. Hell yeah, he could feel his senses go faint already.

He couldn’t stop his mind from drifting to Steve (Stevie, he remembers calling him that in his memories), someone he used to love, to the point that he married him. He gazed at the label of the bottle, scratching the edge of it lightly with his nail, not actually focusing on anything besides his thoughts. He got what he wanted, Steve agreed to let him live his life, he could go back to his duties, to Natasha, to a decent job, and ugh, why does it all sound so boring now? He had been thinking about it constantly for the last few weeks, feeling guilty that he wasn’t making anything productive of his life, and he was so sure that he had finally understood the one thing that was stopping him: Steve. Steve must have been what was slowing him, because Bucky kept feeling like he owed him something, and couldn’t focus on going back to a normal life. That was the problem, surely. Right?

But then why isn’t it working? Why is he still feeling like something is off? Why are his insides still churning, telling him that he’s still an idiot, that he’s missing some big part of him, that this just can’t work? 

He takes another big sip from the bottle and then stares at the transparent liquid inside: he’s gonna find the answer at the bottom of this bottle, he decided.

***

The next time he opens his eyes, Bucky finds himself in the middle of his bedroom, without the faintest idea of how he got there. He looks around and sees the bottle of vodka left on his drawer, almost empty. Almost. 

He definitely passed out. He runs a hand through his hair, squinting his eyes at the heavy thumping in his head, and then proceeds to let himself fall on the bed he was laying on once again.

Ouch.

The clock says it’s 4:15 am, so he tries to recollect as many memories of the previous night as possible: Becca’s rehearsal dinner, amazing shrimps (his stomach starts to grumble, and thank fuck, brain, I would very much eat those shrimps all over again now that you gently provided that blissful image), Natasha and Steve talking, him fucking everything up with Steve, Steve leaving, the bottle of vodka, and then... big time skip to this very moment.

Okay, he could do this. He got up and headed straight to the bathroom, his first intention of drinking some water and washing his face, but actually just ending up with his face fully inside the toilet. Yeah, way to go, Barnes. 

After freshening up for a while and now almost sure that he was done with what he had to do, he goes back to his room and sits on his bed. He takes a big breath, and the thing that struck him the most is the way his mind is constantly drifting towards Steve. Come on, he just threw up all of his stomach’s content a few minutes ago, after drinking a whole bottle of vodka, and Steve still won’t leave his thoughts? What the hell? Doesn't he really have anything better to be thinking about? Rather than how much fucking guilty he’s feeling? And why the hell is he feeling so guilty anyway?

To try preventing his thoughts from heading too far, he gets up and starts looking through all of his shelves. His ma kept them the way he left them. A small smile appeared on his lips while looking through all of those mementos. He could remember most of them perfectly, the little action figures his aunt gave him on his birthdays, the Harry Potter book collection taking a whole shelf, even the cinema tickets he kept when he took his first girlfriend to the movies in Russia… But something was missing. Some big part of his life was missing from that walk down memory lane. 

And then it clicked.

He immediately went to open the top drawer on the left corner of the room, and there it is, exactly the way he asked his mother to leave it. A huge box with big capital letters on the front spelling “STEVE”. He asked his mother to put all of that stuff away as soon as he got home from the hospital after the accident. He couldn’t bear the sight of them at the time, just thinking about it would make him feel like throwing up. And now look at him, actually throwing up because he fucked things up with Steve. That, or the alcohol, doesn’t really matter.

He took the box out and put it on the bed, being careful not to make too much noise, it was still 4:30 in the morning after all, and he was hangover, not stupid. He started to go through the contents of the box, displaying photos of the two of them on the duvet, letters that Steve wrote to him, and thousands of drawings of him. Even a whole notebook filled with sketches of body parts, an eye, a mouth, two hands holding each other, a lock of hair, a profile, every small detail that Bucky could recognize being of him. He suddenly feels a lump in his throat and his eyes are stinging. 

And at the bottom of the box, there it was. He knew it was there. He took it out of the box and to his computer, thanking God that it had a DVD drive; this thing was so old, but at least it could still be handy. He placed the DVD in the slot and let the computer read it.

The video started, and he could immediately see his mother’s trembling hand fixing the camera on his face. He looked so good that day, his hair neatly held in a ponytail, his beard perfectly trimmed, the most elegant three piece black suit he could find, and a dashing smile plastered on his face. The day he married Steve must have been indescribable.

A tear fell from his eyes, because his brain couldn’t provide him with these memories anymore, and he hated it. He really did.

He kept watching the video his mother and sister recorded for him, without caring about the desperate mess he was finding himself in. When it finished, he put it to the beginning again, and kept doing so for who knows how many times. At one point, without even realizing, he focused on the moment they said their vows. He kept watching that 2 minute long scene, him saying his vows, with a trembling voice and always fumbling with his hands, and then Steve saying his. Since Becca was behind Bucky, Steve’s face was the one perfectly visible in the shot, so he could see his teary eyes while Steve professed his love to Bucky. It was so honest and real, that Bucky felt like it was someone else’s life. 

At one point whilst listening to Steve pronouncing his vows, Bucky closed his eyes, and tried to focus on his voice only, struggling to put himself in Bucky-on-screen's shoes. It took him a while, he listened to the speech at least five more times before it happened.

_“...and that’s why I’m here, in front of you and all our loved ones, to promise that I’ll be yours forever, no matter what happens, or what fate challenges us with. I will always love you, James Buchanan Barnes, and I promise you, that I will be there for you, until the end of the line.”_

Bucky snapped his eyes open, he was panting, and he was completely overwhelmed.

He remembers.

***

Bucky is walking down the streets, less than ten minutes away from Steve's apartment; he decided to walk there, hoping that the cool morning air would help him get over the pounding head that all the booze last night left him with. 

7am. Okay, he managed to waste enough time at home between a shower and some yoga, waiting for the first bakery to open. He stopped at the coffee shop closest to Steve's place, starting to order a mocha coffee for him and being amazingly surprised when he automatically ordered an Americano for Steve. He had no idea where that came from, but he knew somehow that it would be right. He remembered how Steve takes his coffee.

Unfortunately, the same didn't happen when it got to choosing between cupcakes, so he went for two classics, a chocolate and a vanilla cupcake.

So, maybe his brain was a bit like Swiss cheese now? With some solid memories, like the vows from his wedding, and some big holes every now and then, like "does Steve like Vanilla? Or was Strawberry his favourite? Ugh". That made him stop at another bakery just to buy a strawberry cupcake as well. He wanted to make it right.

His memories weren't perfect at the moment, but it was still a lot of progress. He hadn't had any in the last months, and now he could finally see why: Bucky had tried too hard not to stress himself out, convinced himself that memories would come back if he just let them come. But he was so wrong. He shouldn’t have taken it so easy, no, he should’ve tried to fill the missing puzzle pieces himself by thinking, and well what do you know, that seemed to work!

Maybe… maybe he could try reliving some feelings he felt the first time, too. When he was focusing on their wedding video, he felt like he was in it with both feet firmly planted there, standing in front of Steve and holding his hand. It wasn’t until he felt the lump in his throat grow bigger, not because of sadness or frustration (like it had been for the last few months every time he thought about Steve), but for the happiness he found thinking he was marrying Steve, that it all sparked and came back to him. Like a fire, warming his insides. 

God it felt so good, and he would do anything to feel it again, and he finally knew that Steve was the only one that could ignite that fire.

Whilst he was taking a shower, his Swiss cheese brain usefully reminded him that Steve usually (almost always) likes to take a morning jog at about 6am. He’ll never understand how he does it, not even after getting his brain nearly smashed in a car accident. The sheets are just too comfortable in the morning. 

But thanks to this, he knows Steve should be at home by now, showered and relaxed after his jog. Okay, maybe he wouldn't be that relaxed after the argument they had last night. 

Shit, he hopes that didn't change Steve's schedule. Bucky really needs to have remembered this right. He doesn't need to wake up a grumpy Steve at the moment, that would just be another thing to add to the list of shit he did lately.

Just like that, he finds himself at the doorstep of Steve's apartment, of what used to be their apartment, looking at his feet and at the small doormat (oh, he had been the one to choose that one, with Yoda on it and big writing saying "Welcome you are", he chuckled softly, because yeah, he definitely still loved Star Wars). He’s holding a bag with two hot cups of coffee and three random cupcakes in one hand, and a blue rose in the other hand, the first that he found in the flower shop and that reminded him of Steve’s blue eyes (and of something else, but he couldn't exactly recall what). Gosh, he was getting sappy. For Steve's sake, Bucky, you're doing it for Steve's sake.

He buzzes the doorbell.

After a couple of minutes and some fumbling noises coming from behind the door, Steve finally opens it, and…

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Bucky feels himself blushing all over, finding himself standing in front of a half-naked Steve, with wet hair sticking to his forehead and ripples of water still falling on that glorious, wide chest of his. There was only a white towel covering part of Steve's body, and he was holding it with one hand at his side. Bucky was sure he'd never swallowed that loudly before.

"Bucky? What are you doing here? I thought you didn't want to see me again…" Steve started, definitely taken aback at the sight of his former husband before him.

Of course he would be startled. Bucky literally pushed him away less than 12 hours earlier.

"Hey, I brought you breakfast. Hope you haven't had it yet" Bucky shyly shrugged and lifted the bag with the big bakery logo on it.

Steve raised both eyebrows and then furrowed them, looking at the rose in his other hand. A blue one? Was it possible that he… no, it must have been a coincidence. "Uhm, no, I haven't had breakfast yet. I just got home from my morning jog." Steve adds this obvious expression explaining the "wet" outfit.

Of course he did. "Of course you did." Bucky said out loud before he could stop himself.

Steve was full on shocked now. What the hell was going on?

Bucky quickly shakes his head to get his thoughts together. "There's something I need to tell you, Steve. And I thought it would be a good idea to bring you breakfast to start it." 

"Oh yeah, yeah, of course it was, I guess… Please, come in. You can put everything on the table, I'm going to get dressed, I’ll be out in a minute."

" _Or you can keep this outfit_ " luckily, Bucky managed to stop himself from saying that out loud. 

When Steve walked back in the room, Bucky had already set the table, and even put the flower in a little vase he knew he could find in the bottom right drawer. He put it there, sometime in the past. Don't ask.

Steve is now wearing a baggy pair of blue sweatpants and a way too tight grey t-shirt. Damn, Steve, of course you're choosing now to be a hot piece of beefcake, aren't you? 

Focus, Barnes, focus.

"So what did you want to talk about?" Steve breaks the silence, picking up his cup and taking a sip, feeling weirdly (but pleasantly) surprised at tasting his favourite kind of coffee in there.

"Well, last night. I wanna talk about last night. After you left me… I thought things would start to get better" Bucky cringes and grimaces at his own words. "Yeah, I know… but I gotta explain something to you. While we've been apart, I kept feeling like something was wrong, like something was… misplaced. I couldn't get my head around what exactly, I kept living with this weird, awful feeling of being incomplete and wrong. And with time, I convinced myself of what was easiest to believe, and that was that the wrong thing in the situation was… I hate to say this, but I thought it was you, Steve." Bucky looks at him with sad eyes, feeling so guilty that he just wanted to disappear. But he couldn't disappear, no, he had to do this. "But the thing is, that was all just make-believe. And I was wrong. God, I was so wrong. It took me being a dick to realize that, and I'm so sorry I put you through all of that. And last night, after you left, I thought that things would start to get easier, that I would finally feel better, feel free to get back to my life. But you left. And that was all I was left with. You, leaving. It was then that I realised that feeling wouldn't be gone anytime soon, that all of my thoughts were wrong, it wasn't just something being misplaced… it was something missing. My life was incomplete, because I wasn't letting you into it. Not in the way I was supposed to. I mean, I did try when I came here to live with you for a while, I did, I promise, I was doing everything I could to try… but I’ve been doing it wrong all along, because I was trying to fit myself into your life, and that couldn't work. It wasn't about me coming back into your life, it was about letting you back into mine." Bucky turned a feeble smile at the man in front of him, who never dared to tear his gaze away from him.

"Bucky… I need to be sure here… what are you saying, exactly?" Steve offered, cautious, not wanting to get the wrong idea, feeling like this might be exactly where things change for them.

"I'm saying that I remember, Stevie."

Steve's jaw drops. He doesn’t even try to stop it, so now it's just hanging there open.

"I'm saying that I let just the tiniest bit of you in my life, and I remember some parts of our life together. Don't get too excited, please, there's still a lot of mess in here" he points a finger at his head "but I guess it's a start." he shrugs, actually smiling now.

Steve jumps out of his chair and quickly goes to take Bucky's face in his hands. He looks him in the eyes, dead serious, scared that it could all vanish a moment later, his eyes tired, hurting, but full of hope. "James Buchanan, are you fucking with me right now?"

Bucky can't help but laugh in Steve's hands. "I am not fucking with you, Steven Grant. Not yet." 

Steve's lips open in a huge smile, tempted to press his lips to the other man's, but he stops himself from doing so, not wanting to pressure him. His hands leave Bucky's face, and he let himself fall back on his chair, that smile never leaving his lips.

"I watched the video of our wedding, over and over again" Bucky continues "and just like that, like it was all a spell, the words you said during your vow broke into my memories. And you were there, and I was there. And I remembered being there, holding your hands, professing my love to you and listening to you doing the same. It felt… amazing." Bucky takes one of Steve's hands in his, "And with that, some other pieces of memories started to come back to me. Waking up beside you every morning, the way you like your coffee, and the walks we had in central park… they're random, but I kinda like it." His smile is so fond, he doesn't ever want to stop smiling. "So I came here to apologize to you, for everything I did, for all the pain I put you through. And I wanted to ask you, if you would do me the honour of coming on a date with me, Stevie."

Steve is still smiling, still looking at him, he brings they're hands to his lips and presses a kiss on them. "Buck, I've been waiting for this moment for months. Of course I'd love to go on a date with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaay!!! I love this chapter, it's probably my favorite with the last one.
> 
> But this means... we're almost done, everybody! How are you feeling about it?? :)
> 
> Lots of love and kudos to you <3


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry about the waiting!! I had some personal stuff to deal with before finishing up this last chapter, and the posting got delayed a little... but here we are!!! Aaaah I'm so excited to post this chapter, this means our journey is over and our story got his ending!! Can't wait to hear from you all what you think!! So now... enjoy!!

That same night, Steve and Bucky find themselves walking down Prospect Park, close to one another, both feeling like they’re back on their first date, all giggly and excited about having the other there with them.

Steve was nervous the entire day, he just couldn’t believe what had happened that morning. Bucky dumped him the previous night, and then showed up at his door with breakfast and that freaking rose in his hand. The same colour of the one he once chose for Bucky. What the hell was happening? It took him a long cold shower to realize that all that happened was real and not just his mind playing tricks on him. 

He didn’t quite know how to feel now, he didn’t want to rush his feelings and let himself be overwhelmed with joy, he knew that could lead to delusion and hurt all over again. He wasn’t gonna rush things now, not anymore; he was gonna let Bucky take his time to recover all the memories he could, he would let _him_ guide them through this new experience, and they’ll face it all together. He had all the time in the world, especially if this meant finally having his husband back in his life.

The sequence of events may have been as chaotic as ever, but he had never seen Bucky this sure about something before. Not in the last few months at least. And that was the best part of it.

So he got ready, like a teenager on his first date, and wondered why the hell this situation made him feel like a teenager all over again? It wasn’t the first time, but, turns out Bucky will always have this effect on him.

And now, here they are, hanging together as if they hadn’t been married for years, exchanging glances and shy smiles. God, he missed this so much. 

Steve took Bucky's hand in his, lacing their fingers and gently squeezing it. He was pleasantly surprised when he felt him squeezing back almost immediately.

They had dinner in the same place they had their first date, and Bucky kept asking him if the things he remembered were correct. Needless to say that Steve happily gave him all the answers, and he felt particularly soft whenever he remembered another part of their past. This time everything was different. Bucky was really becoming fond of him again, they were sharing something again. It wasn't a one-way-thing like it had been the first time Bucky tried to come back after the accident.

Maybe there was hope now.

No, scratch the maybe, hope was written all over Bucky's face now. It was clear as day, and Steve freaking loved it.

"I'm sorry that my brain is like Swiss cheese at the moment" Bucky chuckles, interrupting Steve's train of thought.

"What?" 

"My memories… some are back, some aren't… it's like that cheese full of holes?" Bucky laughs again, watching Steve clearly enjoying himself. 

"Why would you compare your brain to some weird cheese, Buck? Besides, you don't need to be sorry, Swiss cheese is still better than no cheese." Steve shrugs, giving a side glance at Bucky, a corner of his mouth raising in a half grin.

"Can't argue with that." Bucky raises his free hand to his chest, and proceeds to place his head on Steve's shoulder as they walk down the pebble path.

They reach the shore of the lake, and Bucky stops, straightening his spine at the sight of the water, clear blue under the faint light that warms their surroundings before the night falls. 

"Everything okay?" Steve mutters, putting a hand on Bucky's lower back. Bucky instinctively leans into it.

"More than okay. I remember this place." Bucky smiles, turning towards Steve.

"And no, I'm not planning on jumping in the icy cold water just to kiss you, Rogers.” Bucky adds with a smug face. Steve's only reaction is to snort, turning to look at him with an expression that’s a mix of surprise, offence and delight. “You what now??” and, in a rush of adrenaline and happiness, he bends himself down a touch and takes the other man by his waist, lifting him over one of his shoulders, completely off the floor. Bucky squeals and starts kicking and punching Steve on his back. “What the hell are you doing, put me down!!” he says, failing to contain his laughter.

Steve nears the shore of the river, and slightly turns to let Bucky see what he’s trying to do. “You’d better watch what you say, or that’s exactly where you’re going to end up.” 

“Nononono, okay okay, Steve, you win! You definitely win!! Put me dooown!” Bucky keeps squealing and fussing. Steve obeys and lets him down, just enough away from the shore to avoid him getting wet.

“That’s not fair, you took me by surprise!”

“Mhmh, keep telling yourself that, Barnes.” Steve crosses his arms on his chest, enjoying the red cheeks that adorned Bucky’s face thanks to that… upside down position. “So, mh, I win?”

“Well, you win this round.” Bucky stretches his shirt, avoiding Steve’s eyes. As soon as he notices Steve turning away from him, his attention shifting to something else, Bucky sprints over and throws himself at Steve’s body, tackling him over and pulling him to the floor, a little further away from the water. Steve is the one letting out a loud squeal now.   
Not that he would admit it, of course.

All things considered though, if admitting it meant they didn’t move from the position they were in, he definitely would without a second thought. Steve was splayed on the damp sand, which probably stuck to his clean clothes and his hair (he’d think about that later, let it stick for now, he had more important things to focus on at the moment), and Bucky was holding himself over him, straddling him with his legs, each hand on one side of Steve’s head, hovering over the other, but letting Steve take part of his weight to stop him from moving. The only thing Steve could do was place his hands on Bucky’s strong thighs and squeeze them lightly.

Bucky was hovering over Steve, his hair, that used to be so long, framed his face perfectly, and Steve's hand itched to pull at that little curl that was peeking out from the side of his neck; and with the position they were in, he could easily do that. He brings his hand to Bucky's cheek, caressing it, and then he moves the strand of hair, uselessly trying to tuck it in place. Okay, maybe he let his hand linger a little too long on his neck, but could you blame him? Bucky was taking his breath away, in every possible way.

"Steve…" Bucky mutters, voice just above a whisper. 

Steve isn't capable of replying, he just stares at Bucky's face, eyes roaming between his eyes, his lips, his eyes again, and back to his lips. He parts his own lips, letting a slightly wet smack be the reply to Bucky's thoughts.

And then, _finally_ , Bucky works up his courage to break the little distance between them, and gently kisses Steve's bottom lip, catching it between his lips but letting it go almost immediately. Steve didn't let him. After a moment of pure bliss, he catches Bucky's lips in another kiss, and lets himself be driven by such a powerful intensity, joy and desire blossoming inside his chest. Bucky parts his lips and lets Steve's tongue roam in his mouth, gently, lovingly, warm and wet, feeling his own body responding with a hard shiver throughout all of his spine.

Fuck it, they had both waited long enough.

***

"Will you still come to the wedding with me? I'm sure Becca and ma would love to have you there, and we could tell them the news together." Bucky mutters, face pressed to one of Steve's pecs and one hand lazily tracing random movements on that broad, perfectly hairless, breathtaking chest of his. Steve shuffles a little closer to him, eyes closed, shivering a little at Bucky's delicate touch and runs his fingers through the strands of Bucky's hair, loving the fresh, flowery smell that comes from it. After everything that happened, he still hadn't changed shampoo. Steve loved it.

"Mh? Oh, yes. Of course, baby, I would love to." Steve reaches for their sheets and covers them both a little better, hugging his husband maybe a little tighter than necessary. "I can't wait to tell everyone the good news."

"And you know what?" Steve adds after a moment of comfortable silence. "I can't wait to see Natasha's face either" he chuckles a little.

Bucky buries his whole face in Steve's chest, pressing his cold nose to his pec. "Ugh, I'm still so fuckin' sorry about that. I don't know what was going through my mind."

Steve shakes his head and shuffles gently to get to Bucky's face, cupping his cheek with his hand and kindly moving it to face him. "Hey, baby, none of that. You and I both know what was going on in that mind of yours. And it's fine. I've got my husband back now, and I couldn't ask for anything else. Yeah, I wish that didn't mean you kissing your ex-girlfriend in the meantime, but if that was the only way to have you where you are now, I'm not gonna complain. I love you, sweetheart, always did, forever will. And I've always known that you do too. After all, I wasn't the only one promising to love you until the end of the line." Steve tenderly smiles at him.

Hearing those words directly coming from Steve's mouth does weird things to Bucky's insides, but well... _positive_ weird things. "I did. I promised you to love you until the end of the line. And I will, Stevie. I will."

"I know." Bucky shushes him with a small kiss on his lips. 

"Thank you, for being so patient, and so caring with me. Thank you for loving me, Steve. Even with this damaged brain I'm stuck with."

"There's nothing to thank me for, Buck. I love you, even if you come with the worst drama of them all. I love you and all your broken memories. We’ll fix them. Together." 

Bucky feels all warm inside, and satisfied with his answer, he shuffles close to Steve's body, cuddling him and closing his eyes. Falling asleep hadn't been so easy for months.

***

Becca looks stunning in her white dress. It perfectly outlines her skinny figure, while opening up at her hips, making her look like a true princess. Bucky is almost moved by the beauty of his sister. 

He knocks at her door and she turns immediately, as soon as she spots him, she darts into his arms, hugging him tightly, a huge smile printed on her face. 

"You're here!! For a moment I was scared you would ditch me on my wedding day! Where have you been for the last two days??"

"You know I wouldn't have missed this for anything in the world! And well, I guess you'll see soon enough where I've been" Bucky replies with a shy smile, heat warming his cheeks.

Becca just watches him, a smirk forming on her lips as she starts to understand what's going on. She pokes a finger at Bucky's side before changing the topic. "Oh well, look at you, wearing the suit I chose for you. I still believe that light blue suits you perfectly."

Bucky looks down at himself "Yeah, I gotta admit that you're right… but, Becca, please, your dress. It's beautiful. It's wow. You look stunning, like fresh out of a fairy tale!" and he is so earnest, looking at her whole, that she pulls him in for another hug. 

"I'm so happy you're back."

Bucky hugs her back, understanding what she's implying. "I couldn't be happier either."

As soon as Bucky nears Steve after having walked Becca down the aisle (yeah, that was probably why his mom was crying so hard. Watching your two kids walking down the aisle together because your little girl is getting married and your big boy promised to look out for her for his whole life sure is something that breaches through a mother’s heart. Oops.), Steve took Bucky’s hand in his and whispered a soft “I’m so lucky to have you” in his ear. Bucky felt a strong shiver down his spine.

The ceremony is surprisingly getting under Bucky and Steve’s skin as well though, and Winnie ends up giving one of her tissue packets to the two. What can they do? Seeing the couple so emotional and in love is making something click in both of them. 

Steve can’t help but constantly flick his gaze towards Bucky while Becca is saying her vows, and Bucky is returning those secret gazes as if he didn’t want to be seen, and then just full on blushes and moves his face into Steve’s shoulder. 

They should both be a little ashamed of the way they’re acting, like two teenagers in love, but they couldn’t care less.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife.” Steve feels a warm hand slipping into his own, and then squeezing it lightly. He lowers his gaze and immediately notices how Bucky’s light-blue eyes are wet with tears of pride and love for his little sister. He slips his arm around Bucky’s waist and holds him close for the rest of the ceremony.

The wedding passes smoothly, without interruptions or accidents, and Bucky just couldn’t be happier, for his sister, getting the beautiful wedding she deserves, for his mother, going through at least a couple packets of tissues during the ceremony _alone_ , and for Steve, the best, most patient, most beautiful husband one could ask for.

Later on, Steve and Bucky find themselves hanging around the wedding buffet, standing close to one another, both feeling like they can't move too far from each other after all the time they spent apart. Winnie approaches them and surprises Bucky by grabbing his hips to make him jump a little. "Look at you!"

"Ma!" Bucky quickly jumps and turns, just to laugh at his exaggerated reaction. "Hey! Yup, look at us."

"Looks like someone made peace, finally, if I may add" Winnie raises an eyebrow, eyes happily flicking between the couple.

Bucky feels like he's a teenager all over again, being caught red handed by his mother who snuck up on them. "Yeah, we did. I finally came to my senses."

"After the rehearsal dinner, Bucky and I went on a date. We had time to talk about things." Steve informed her, like the actual grown-up he is. Bucky just leaned into him.

"I'm glad you did, boys. But okay, I can take a hint when I see one. I'll let you guys enjoy the party, you can fill me in with details some other time!" Winnie says, about to leave the two alone.

"Winnie, wait!" Steve calls her back. She turns to face him. "Everything okay, darling?"

"Yes… yes, of course, just-- just thank you, Winnie." Steve smiles at her, honest and fond; she replies with a silent smile. Bucky just stands there watching the interaction, a little confused, but leaving it be. He can only imagine what the two of them have been going through. They (plus Becca) were the people who cared the most about him, and he nearly died less than a year ago.

But he was there. And wasn't planning on going anywhere. He was back, and forever will be, with the people he loved the most.

Steve interrupts his thoughts by inviting him to dance to a slow, romantic song, which he happily accepted. 

And so there he was, dancing to a sweet Ed Sheeran song, clinging to his husband, holding him and never planning on leaving him again any time soon. He would go back to his usual life, maybe soon he'll get the chance to start his dance class again. God, he missed dancing. How could he have ever thought he wanted to be back at Rand Enterprises? To be without this? This was his life, what he truly needed, his true self. Here, in Steve's arms. 

And it was all thanks to Steve that he was back. Yes, it took a shit lot more than they both hoped, but if it wasn't for those words, for the love Steve professed to him on their wedding day… he shivers, he wasn't even gonna think about what might have happened. He was here now. He wasn't ever gonna let go of those arms. Never.

He straightens up a little, distancing himself to look Steve in the eyes, serious, but sweet. "I love you, Steven Grant Rogers. And I promise you, that I'll be with you, until the end of the line."

Steve smiles, relieved, his heart so full of love he could burst any moment. He closes the distance between them and kisses Bucky sweetly.

" _Until the end of the line._ " He whispers softly on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's been one hell of a ride!! 
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you though of the whole story, I love reading your reactions!! And anyways, thank you for being with me through all this, wouldn't have been the same without your kudos <3 Thank you for reading to all of you <3
> 
> Before concluding, I gotta say a final HUGE thank you to my girl Katie, she's been the most caring beta-reader, she made this fiction possible to me, and I could never thank her enough. Thank you, love. Love you <3
> 
> Anyways, that's it, folks!! I'll wait for your reacs, if you want to talk with me you'll always find me in my twitter (@mcuwhore) and yeah... that's all! Love you all and thank you again. <3


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